About

Something very strange was going on during the winter of 2023-2024. I tried my best to write it down for posterity. For most this will be nothing but obsessive and schizo rantings; but for some it may be a comfort and an interest.

All has been heavily redacted and anonymized while still attempting to preserve the specific essence of the time.


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Rest of February, 2024 - verboten door; qualia

February 6, 2024 Every step I take needs to be connected in some way. I find the mind of Disquiet_Dreaming, a figure whom I will never know or see but as a mind – I don't want to, I don't want to embody him. I return to a time and way in the recent past, where we naturally had separate real selves and online selves and we knew these were different worlds. Now the virtual world is too close a mimicry of our real world and real selves. The internet is only for anonymity; anything else is a perversion of the truth of that world. … Maybe, maybe some can slip their real face in and blend it, or it still becomes something not them. Disquiet_Dreaming I thought was N who is also this shadow lover who has become the liberated star-god... and Disquiet_Dreaming, whom I'd have no interest in if I didn't connect him to N... even as an opposite. Even “no reason” can be a connection, if “usually the norm is to have a reason, because I'm fighting limitations I want to try no rea...
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March 2023 - initial

Diary 28 March 1, 2023 I've been talking a little to "N", who is very smart, of fine mind. I feel a little grain of happiness in the center from this. ~ Reality & the Void it all sits atop nothing + at the top is all of creation that I can't imagine Knocked down to almost nothing – not on the bottom, but I can see it. As soon as this knock happens I can feel the process of energy filling begin again, slowly. (something or someone took your energy – maybe it was D, maybe it was my mother) Where does this spiritual strength that seems to come from nowhere come from? Nothing big; tiny; moving to sit up & approach people, saying what I want... Downloads but only after I've gotten some energy back, some layers filled again. March 3, 2023 No adequate way to express myself, to even form ideas. I feel like my mind has cancer – stuck in this job I hate, no man's land, rotting, belong to nothing, no human connection, too ea...
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February 2, 2024 - new eyes; first 3 principles

February 2, 2024 N sent me --, which was wild. I see all the people who follow them, including him – and I feel like, though I know who these people are, I never actually saw them before, and they didn't see me. Couldn't. One episode – the structure of my mind is changed. All of its images, aesthetic, messages, downloaded into me at once. No drug could come close. Quenta's words that on a new level you start with absolutely nothing ring true – absolutely no concepts. Now I see & see new ones forming. This format is so relevant – it is the moment. All I was doing just yesterday – gone. My old forms, of writing – obsolete. It truly is like I never did anything, never was anyone, before I came here. An hour ago I was a genius poet, author, musician, artist... now I have zero ability and I haven't done shit, don't know how to do shit. While standing in a neon room full of giants. The director is unmistakably a Letov-like figure. Strange – he is among the “p...
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April 2023 - ongoing psychic interaction; fiction

 April 1, 2023 He's just a normal guy. Well, he's not normal – a library of internet and other world phenomena in his head. And he understands everything that I understand. He knows how the world works. But he's normal . He just sounds like a cool guy whom you'd never suspect to be doing all these wild things. Maybe he's like one of the art hippies from the yard. But he wasn't that dark shadow lover in my mind. Maybe he has trouble communicating it through the phone, through words, a sexuality and seductiveness. The man in my head was deep, dark,... and he, N, made me realize how alone I am with my images and fantasies. But I cannot hold back. I've begun immediately telling him my fantasies w/ the underground teahouse. I want to pour into him like a waterfall. After our call it's like my mind jammed to a stop for a second. Like the fantasy couldn't run. Like he stood there at the gate, saying “no”. N is like... he is not the fantasy lover in the sh...
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January 21, 2024 - layering; collapse

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January 21, 2024 What started concretely with the man at the store on 1/17 continues. Stayed up til 6 AM, reached enlightenment, a state.... I typed it; I'll attempt to write it. What happens after enlightenment? I see systems. I see the system containing every thought a person has. I see the systems and subsystems around us operating in life: the woman to my left thinking in the framework and terms of pop-psych (ADHD, autism, anxiety). The girl to my right in a conference call with someone talking about “a lot of feminists don't do this...” Some people are less entrapped in any system; the barista, whose name I don't know, whom I like and have chatted with - “white trash” thin woman who seems perpetually a bit drugged, has a child. Also the barista who's been friendly to me and sometimes tells me random snippets. ~ Could I have been cleverly trapped in my own world? Certainly. And these women – may only be playing to frameworks for the sake of work or for t...
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February 4, 2024 - denouement, 3 principles again

 2/4/24 ------- 2424 I feel weird again today like I did on 1/22-23 – (22- address terror on 1/22 new eyes on 2/2) 22 is, supposedly, the “angel number” signaling imminent change. And now a shadow of terror on 2424 Many people do – Z agreed. Z said he felt like he was walking in a realm of demons on Friday – he framed it in Christian Church terms – demons, angels (Jesus did not teach this – this is paganism I think, or just the control system as it was rebranded at the time (spirits, animism → angels, demons It's math – math is our only language for approaching the truth because it can describe the architecture of our “second pyramid” that we can't/aren't allowed to see) – but he also said it's an evil day, a liminal day. I agree it's liminal – because of our psyche; we're tired from work and not really working; then on the weekend we put ourselves into a different state. It's in liminal places we can catch glimpses of the “otherness” of...
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June 29, 2023 - Invisible Hand; Seekers of Truth; Genuine Human Life; Meat Grinder

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 June 29, 2023 Wish is a currency. To be born with a wish is a great gift. The dream of love and marriage was like being born with a big fat check for $1 million; I can cash it in for something huge – for real art. You sacrifice your wish to make real art; I work with people I love, would love to marry – by resisting that, giving up on the dream and focusing on the art, we could make something incredible. I think creative men can marry less creative women; they can compartmentalize – have a wife who satisfies the earthly pleasures and occasionally work with a muse. They don't need to be married to their creative partner. In fact many, or most, would prefer not to be (it's more challenging in that it's constantly charged and less conventional, more unpredictable, and anyway, what most creative men need is stability). Creative women can't do this; their husband has to be their creative partner, or a creative partner. Or it has to be God. Another thing N said which s...
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November 2023 - 0 Time

 November 6, 2023 Have to write down all that is passing through me before it goes away... and it has already gone away. Where am I, with the soul who lives inside me, the phantom, the ghost? There has been so much I've realized. I can't pack, I can't eat – I have only to write it down, and there is so much. Every image. At the same time, the language itself matters. ~ The day I had this break with my misery and desiring from N that had been pulling me so long, suddenly men did flock to me! Z DM'd me, and we had a heart-to-heart conversation. He said he'd tell me what's going on “at some point” and suggested we'd be good friends for real. The next thing that happened is, that same evening, M messaged me and said, eventually, “to be honest I find you very interesting and have wanted to know more about you.” We spent the night talking and... something happened. That intense energy exchange occurred in which we came into close contact. I felt i...
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January 18-20, 2024 - mystico religion

January 18, 2024 Last night, another, similarly psychological experience: rediscovering my old stories. Just sitting on my laptop buried deep. Files from 2000! I had so many good, free ideas, and quite sophisticated concepts: Nicht-Hier bar was to be about a bar existing nowhere frequented by a normal girl, Elica, but never as herself, only under various personas, some of whom knew each other. Spy world. The real positive was this: the main story of my middle school days, Triple Rose, already contained The Invisible Forest, which, when I wrote that , I thought I'd pieced together from the elements of my life I'd slowly uncovered – but it seems they were just elements buried. The TR story opens with the protagonist having a dream of several thousand years ago meeting the Serious Jester, who shows her all the lands that become the countries of the other world they are abducted to as teenagers. She then wakes up and forgets the dream after falling back asleep. From this, the...
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June 2023 - trip; expectations; clarity

 June 15, 2023 This is going to be hard to write. For weeks N and I took a trip together. I can feel the bitterness accruing in my heart leaving it as I begin to write this down. B is right that I should do something nice for myself. I can also now feel to go that route rather than to introspect or let in horrible and conclusive thought. In the past I would have been very all-or-nothing about our interactions. Very now or never. I still am. But there is space that opens the field wider and sees it as a hit, a major hit of intensity, that now I must recover from. B said it was too much for the beginning of something. This would be a sensible perspective to have, but from another perspective – N's – it was not too much at all. But of course in hindsight there was nothing romantic in it at all. There was only my fantasy, which I wanted so much to come true, to bring forth. Only I am to blame for this. I could have turned it around at any point in the first few days when it became ...
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