diary29

 Diary 29 July 20, 2023 I understand today why people have to die. The world is balanced. But people themselves are not. No one world, one personal, individual world, is balanced. Mine especially; it's very particular. Many people (whom I know) are very particular. This has to do with complexity. My world is very heavy, very thorough & stuck on thoughts. But my mind/world is also very powerful/forceful. People must come and go so that the world overall remains balanced. Most people are inconsequential and not very complex, in their schema – it fits in well with other people and the world. People like N are very particular and complex – and thus unbalanced. And I am, too; my thoughts have a very distinct vibe. ~ We awoke and I brushed my teeth by the grass. I looked at the rapids in the daylight. N got up soon after and we each kind of meandered around the area, checking it out. At one point he'd disappeared for minutes and I panicked that we'd been followed an...

 July 1, 2023 B has died. I feel like everybody failed her, myself included. I could have checked on her two days ago when I had a bad feeling. The officer said it was a day or two. On the surface B's approach had seemed cumbersome, foolish; inside – a beautiful song unheard. ~ The living must continue to live. Drowning under the weight of these thoughts I need to make the most aggressive music I possibly can. Helping B's mom go to her house today.  ~ My dad pulled me out of that nightmare scenario, energetically. Told me not to contact B's mom again, not to drive her back to her car; she'd asked me yesterday if I could stop by for a few minutes on my way home after I said I'd be in Fells for a bit if she needed me/didn't want to be alone. I just love being a healer, love “processing karma” for others. But I don't; it's just their emotions. Although I did hear her life story in the car. Thinking about these people drains me. I'm saddl...