diary29

January 14, 2024 It's so strange how I entered this world, a world has sprung around me and around all this, I found a place, but at the same time I'm living inside my nightmare: tethered spiritually to a man who doesn't want me like I want him, to a man who has rejected me already, and yet nevertheless he was the way into my real life, or into a real life that is material and spiritual combined. It only is so combined because I'm in this dreamlike state, because the trauma and strain of it puts me into this dreamlike condition. It was not so different when I was living at my dad's house and walking to my mom's house every day the summer after senior year and writing rather easily. It's the mechanism of pain to reach altered or even divine states. It's more effective (on me) than any psychedelic, which I fear could fry my brain. This only squeezes my heart. I do have some sort of guardian, some ghost or watcher, some initiator. How is it otherwis...

January 4, 2024 Even in New England I am the same. Sitting at a bar, writing in my diary. My own future – where this narrative will go – is impossible for me to predict. I have an ocean of impressions to get down. I know (have long known) this is creation, not only reflection and recollection; wordplay. Now, I have Brad Phillips' voice inside my head because (on O's recommendation) I read Essays & Fictions. I felt such shame for being here. When did this hit me? The first night of my second trip out to sea. The shame came me because of my true, deep (but obvious) intention of coming here which was to be near N – chasing the ghost – who hasn't made any effort or shown want in contacting me (unless I reached out first) since Christmas. Everything I choose to tell is a different me. Narrative is impossible to believe yet is our raft across life. But deeper and simpler than narrative is presence, which needs nothing and no one. ~ I don't know why I do this –...

December 3, 2023 Moved out of my apartment. I dragged my feet on it and overburdened myself. Rule: Deepest relaxation – in every moment – like Jerry Jeff Walker This time the game is for real. This game is for real. “Don't play it for real until it gets real”. ~ Be careful what you pull out from behind the glass. I plunge into this world without reservation and we'll see what happens. and now it's here, in --. Now what I wanted to happen, has happened. I'm in N's area, physically (if my family needs help I will throw all this away and go back). It's the area I will frequent. W messaged me to say he loved Kiss Me Once Again, so I sent it to my dad, who immediately said it was super. I'm not sure I can write something else like that. I said goodbye to Ai, to Ay. I met up with L along the way. I guess I needed to be here so I could continue weaving this story, this fiction. N is just a regular guy. But in my mind he has set all this in mo...