September 2023 - skippable
September 1, 2023 It was a blessing not to be made a mother and wife – a blessing to be rejected by love so many times. I'd have never done anything, otherwise. I still haven't really done anything, in terms of a magnum opus or some ultimate fulfillment of a vision. I've only gone halfway. I think N must look at me and be confused, as to why I'm so chaotic, disorderly, why my life is so nothing. He doesn't realize the extent of my feelings for him, that one little text from him of “How are things goin?” is like the world to me and everyone else sends streams of messages that are muted. But I can't think of that, of how I look to him, how messy, or confusing. I must only do my work. And what do I want to do? I just want to write. ~ I didn't ask him how things are goin' for him, only said I was in a period of limbo, applying to jobs and the like. He's successfully managed to establish a dynamic where he has all the emotional pull. It you have ...