diary29

 June 15, 2023 This is going to be hard to write. For weeks N and I took a trip together. I can feel the bitterness accruing in my heart leaving it as I begin to write this down. B is right that I should do something nice for myself. I can also now feel to go that route rather than to introspect or let in horrible and conclusive thought. In the past I would have been very all-or-nothing about our interactions. Very now or never. I still am. But there is space that opens the field wider and sees it as a hit, a major hit of intensity, that now I must recover from. B said it was too much for the beginning of something. This would be a sensible perspective to have, but from another perspective – N's – it was not too much at all. But of course in hindsight there was nothing romantic in it at all. There was only my fantasy, which I wanted so much to come true, to bring forth. Only I am to blame for this. I could have turned it around at any point in the first few days when it became ...

 May 1, 2023 Doubt creeps in – I'm not what he wants; he would have let me know; I didn't let him know enough. We touched but he didn't touch me; it was accidental from my end. We are extremely similar. Maybe the same. Same laugh. But is that what he wants? Or does he want all those hoes in miniskirts? We'll see how he proceeds. On my end, I think he is for me. I want to be with him every day. It feels like almost nothing, because our vibe is so... the same. But it feels better. My life would be the same but infinitely better. The world would be the same but infinitely better. He is very soft, and smart, and cute... but I just don't know what's in his heart. I, too, am reserved. Very reserved. We are both quite inept in the world. But there's no one else like him. If he doesn't pick me I'm going to become a sailor (for real this time), get lost in the watery abyss, keep running. Then I remember the way he looked at me when we parted, and the way t...