May 2023

 May 1, 2023

Doubt creeps in – I'm not what he wants; he would have let me know; I didn't let him know enough. We touched but he didn't touch me; it was accidental from my end. We are extremely similar. Maybe the same. Same laugh. But is that what he wants? Or does he want all those hoes in miniskirts? We'll see how he proceeds. On my end, I think he is for me. I want to be with him every day. It feels like almost nothing, because our vibe is so... the same. But it feels better. My life would be the same but infinitely better. The world would be the same but infinitely better. He is very soft, and smart, and cute... but I just don't know what's in his heart. I, too, am reserved. Very reserved. We are both quite inept in the world. But there's no one else like him.

If he doesn't pick me I'm going to become a sailor (for real this time), get lost in the watery abyss, keep running. Then I remember the way he looked at me when we parted, and the way that he sometimes looked at me throughout the day with this very knowing smile. He holds back a lot. The way he looked at me was, he looked happy, and like light permeated his smile, and there was no guile in his expression, just simple happiness.

He simply must not have been sexually attracted to me. I am so hurt, thinking about that, thinking I'm not enough; I saw his attention turn to girls walking by us in a skirt; but I am not going to press it. I just have to move on, figure out what I'm going to do for money. I can't let my life go to waste.

It's like we never met. It's like it was a brief overlay of mutual validation, and now we each go on our own way.

 

May 3, 2023

Before this goes away... I enter into this knowledge, and the knowledge is a space, where I understand that every true family is its own cult. If the family could form, if the man and woman could really come together... if they are the same, and when I interact with N it feels like we are the same, even though in reality I invent him, us... right? Or is it just that this world wants you to believe that that vision is crazy, that the vision of founding a dynasty is insane, absurd.... But this is what I feel could happen. This is how they happen – how all culture happens. He got into me. He is indeed that man I have imagined – he's that character who at his core and in his spirit holds the freedom of the human spirit as priority. And I am living in sad songs, looking out to the sea. 

When I read his new writings I felt that same grain of happiness in my heart that I felt when we first started talking. In the very core of my heart, as of something being unearthed, something that needs to be. That's what I feel from his project – it unearths something buried, that is critical to get out. I am unlikely to be the best advisor on how to make this a success or effective in the world but I can vouch for its inner, essential significance. 

He asks me what I think of the snow and sea combination, I wake up with visions of a dark shore internalized within. I wake up from a night of visions in the controlled world where everything has been distilled and distributed and I feel pregnant with something. I wake up and feel too big for this world, like there's something huge in my body, and that something is another reality, is my own world. But it can't simply “come out”. It's only a chance, he and I, and I feel he may not be able to or want to take it, this overwhelming, obsessive devotion. I feel this morning that I've been consumed in him, because he merely pointed to everything right and I made paintings in my mind out of it all. Not what he intended or wanted, but unstoppable. It's a big possible world sitting in darkness; it may just be passed by. If it is, if he rejects me, I will go on in the world, in some form, better than before we met surely, but still like an orphan, like something that just floats through the world, hangs out in corners, can find no grounding.

I know what I am more, what I should do more – especially after meeting him. People should not “fix” themselves for the world. People should be more particular, more sure and developed in their preferences, rather than trying to suppress and whitewash them.

N is a chance to be my life. Only I do not know if he wants me that way. But, for me, he lines up with what I hold within. And if he rejects me, I'll still hold it within. I know these chances rarely fully bloom in the material world. Yanka sang about precisely this, I think.

I'll earn $ however, but no irony is necessary to knock down or curb my desires to be who I am – you can't know who that is. You can feel yourself feeling who that is, however. N said (quietly and shyly) that he supports it (me not working or being career oriented, focusing on all my other things). I'm not sure my family would like him – at the least they'd think he's as strange as I am. We're in the same world. A possible world. It's not the world either my dad or brother are in – it's another. It's my own fate. Upon the snowy shore. A home on Earth for me. If it doesn't happen I'll be on Earth but may never have a home here. Maybe just pass by Home on here.

If I lived with N I could slow down and immerse myself in poetry. My thoughts have all been too short and frantic, sped up by the pressure to survive. I will do so either way, with or without him, as I will yet keep going in my “dead”, disconnected world. For nothing. All is for nothing....

~

MM: Destroyer (similar to Letov and Tsoi) sets the crusted world free by unleashing this fresh energy for that world, but that old world is stolen from them & subsequently destroyed its generations & symbols wiped, so now it was all for nothing, there's nothing to live for, the world to be fresh & free in doesn't exist anymore – so Tress chooses to continue her discarnate world.

~

I like everything about N. I worry I'm too much for him, too old, too mentally domineering, have too many white hairs on my head, am too Jewish looking, not vibrant and chipper and youthful, heavy, serious... and very strange.

~

I'm overwhelmed with respect and devotion. I am unsure how to react to his work with anything other than pride and a smile in my heart. The structure is so complicated, and not a word in excess – this requires me to place everything while reading. What could I possibly tell him? On a reading as a lay person it speaks to the spirit and could make someone like me interested in and excited about it, because it speaks to a thought that is experiencing a resurgence in the ambiance. It could be a hook or wrapper for people. A lost/forgotten tradition.

 

May 5, 2023

Social media is dead. The energy is gone from it, as well as from everything else this morning. N is ever on my mind but I'm consumed with fear that he's forgotten me. His clarity has altered me: most of MM is trash, and I need careful thought to go through and outline it.

Maybe it's too much, too embarrassing, too close. Maybe once again I was too domineering, too authoritative in the way I state things, even though my authority is not on judgments, topics, or values but on my own reactions to things, or simply in the way I write, period.

Had a swell in my heart while walking to get coffee. I feel like I've just folded, I'm in silence I just can't say anything else. My love is too particular. The tress account is deranged: I should have never let it happen. How do you escape your particularity? You can't. It's a burden forever. You have to show it. No validation for me on this Earth.

Sick to my stomach. It's not going to work out. It never does. Only when I care am I sick to my stomach. I don't see anyone else, have no interest in anyone else.

Finally just straight up asked him if he's interested in me. I feel like I can do things again. I don't even care about the answer, I probably over-idealized him, anyway. I'm ready for the worst, rudest answer. This interaction wasn't bad for me – they all make me stronger, at the end of the day. Of course.

Instant karma: I went to Goodwill where the guy who works there, whom I know always tries to chat me up, chatted me up a little this time, and boy did he crash and burn. First, he guessed I was 36. then, as I was talking about being unsure about living in Hampstead because I'm relatively young and don't have kids to raise, he went into a little rant on how people look at you weird or approach you weird (friends, for instance( if you aren't married with kids by this age. Depressing AF.

Such a strange state passing through me all day. Devil got into my head, heart, and soul. Or it's all involuted, misplaced sexual energy, getting into the emotional center? Reminds me of all the feelings I felt when A cut it off, and, then, of all those feelings I felt of being abandoned. It seems I have intense fears of abandonment and just showed this to N. Облом.

~

I asked if he was interested in me. Beyond our projects. And said that if he was, know I haven't been interested in anyone else since shortly after we started talking. But if he wasn't to release me in this regard. Or if you're unsure say that. Or whatever it is that may be on your mind about this.

He said he didn't know how to respond but had been thinking about this and asked if I wanted to talk on the phone soon.

What do I make of this? I know what I make of this – this is me and W, but reversed. I am not going to try and convince N to be with me. I means, he felt no sexual excitement.

 

May 6, 2023

I've assumed too much good about him. And I forget that I'm good, and lacking wile, and open-heated, easily. My love and devotion to him have been obvious and I'm an idiot if I think they haven't. I could feel him intentionally cooling his own feelings for me at one point, stepping back, erecting a boundary – well, that's “smart” and that's his choice, except he had no need to worry about it with me because I loved him through and through (well, not love, but honest and complete and single hearted infatuation). It's your choice to hold back but I ask you to ask what your heart says on the matter.

He's been enjoying being in the position of caring less, but only because he's squashed strong feelings when he's had them (so it feels). And now, I don't really trust him, if he needs to maintain such control and if he couldn't give himself up to the relationship and if he's willing to manipulate because he is scared of love and accepting love and that I'll step all over his boundaries and because I have power over him. Why wouldn't he just let me go, then? Not a yes but not a no? Bullshit. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.

My fantasy mechanism is like a car sitting there and he took it for a spin. Now, if this doesn't work out, that'll be all that context lost. I have to go out and get more context if I am to ever fall truly in love again. That's the secret of the context creators: always be searching for context. A rich context is the soil of your life.

~

I want it too much without knowing myself enough.

One of the most beautiful people I've met through twitter is A, a true soul sister to me I feel. I think she's a 1 or 2 level person,  just has this rarefied air about her; she's unselfconscious, and it feels like, it's not about her posts, it's the unusual perspective lingering behind them.

Through her beauty I understand N rejecting me isn't about my white temples or age but about my deep insecurity and inability to just chill and be. No stability beneath my feet.

There's such a wide sparse loneliness about A, that of a person walking alone on her own plain. She said she was a plain person, as well.

I did it to myself, lined him up too hard. But it's just... I thought, it seemed, like I was what he wanted. Wrenching that for a moment this little hole, this little portal, for pure energy, opens, and then closes up. I'm back behind the glass. I needn't something that makes me feel so insecure and unsexual. I feel he'd want A more, or Ax more (someone so vibrant and full of life and openly sexual, while I sit and write 24/7 and for me it all takes time and I just don't have the energy or capacity to flaunt it. And, truth be told, someone has to pull it out of me, to help me).

 

May 7, 2023

Talked for a while on the phone yesterday. Today I am in love more deeply. It had to settle. Most sensitive, melancholy boy. Not relaxed around me at all. It's hard to reach through to it, to his core. I feel like I'll have to do a lot of the initiating, at least early on, at least until he calms down or relaxes a bit.

N described someone who sneakily slips into and out of shadowy corners (just what the Interloper is!), referencing his double life, but said it diminishes you as a human being, living this way. I said I like that way of being (slipping in/out of dark corners).

The image is so perfect. I hope he never stops being that way (I don't think he could resist being that way, to be honest).

The tension was so high because of the purpose of the call – I could tell he was looking for an in, for the moment to say something, or when I would, and that he didn't know what to say – either way, I didn't let him. I broached it, said I was sorry and that I get in my head, said some other things about me with regard to relationships, said he was hard to get to know and I didn't want to be bothering him with texts throughout the day. Anyway, after that clearing of the air and awkwardness, in which I basically did not demand he say whether he likes me or anything about his feelings, the conversation went much easier, and he, while we were talking about meeting people online and social media dying, said this: there are forces acting to make the inner world much smaller for people.

And I exclaimed yes, I've been thinking of this for years, that everything I'm trying to do (as far as writing and such) is to counter this.

We both see the same thing happening: first we were moved, in part, to the internet, virtual world, and now that's being taken away, but we can't go back, because there's nowhere to go back to – the old world was destroyed, the finishing blow being covid policies, lockdowns and masking – so where will we be? We both have nowhere to be.

The scariest thing, I said, was not that those things were lost – that can be remedied – but that people are losing the ability to perceive them – they no longer have the brain connections, the capacity. He agreed that was the scariest thing. He saw all this through seeing the memeplex being imposed on the 4chan'ers in 2014-2015, and now the same one is being imposed on the population at large. But, he said, you can have something like 4chan within an existing world; you can't have a whole 4chan world inside nothing.

I realized it through the finding and destruction of hostels and that whole world.

And today he's all I can think about, and it feels like the intimacy barrier has been broken just a little. Very slowly. Last night after, when I was alone, processing our interaction, it felt like we were standing in this dark blue room, at night, and it feels like we are ground zero, he and I. It felt like, we are important to the world [11/16/24 he definitely is]. We have this one perception of what's happening (“people who are able to describe what's happening are to be treasured,” I said. Things aren't being recorded anymore. And information is rapidly disappearing. Other things we've both noticed and had our minds on).

Got to be careful what you make real.

We have one explanation of the world, but there are other paradigms out there. An explanation of the world is itself a little world, a country.

 

May 10, 2023

The N who lives like a permanent shadow figure in my heart, I love him so much. I want to connect to his soft heart and forget all that's unimportant. I want to be on his side. I imagine that we could have true intimacy, which I realize now I've never known.

I imagine I could relax with him, and feel truly relaxed for the first time in decades. And that when I will, the world will open up like a plain, and it'll turn out that he helped, but he isn't bound, he isn't the only source of this freedom – the world is vast and wide and free.

What can happen when worlds connect. When two people with inner worlds become friends.

If you never live your path, you will have nothing to pass on to the person whom you eventually meet who needs to receive the fruits of what you would have lived, and then an entire world is swallowed in the great mouth of darkness & fails to manifest.

No symbol, no word, no story, talisman, place, vision... nothing crystallized.

~

I don't want to be insistent, in making you, but I see so much in this land – a world's worth between us, because I will never truly wrap my head around him or contain him, that bridge between the real world and the world in my mind, and who he is in each, will never be crossed.

I just think, I feel, we make such a big world.

 

May 12, 2023

Well, we have plans now.

All my parts come together in him.

 May 13, 2023

I lost my job this morning. N and I are still talking.

When we don't talk for a while (>12 – 18 hours) I become very despondent at the lost connection and full of self doubt and doubt about us. 

May 15, 2023

I must vow, and try, to deal with my imagined negative feelings in my head, by myself, inwardly, on my own, and not take them out on N (or others – but with him I see it most clearly). The devil makes him my greatest enemy when I'm alone and we haven't talked in a bit and I see him like another woman's tweet, or one related to another woman, or about women in general. But then I just text him asking how it's going and we talk the rest of the night.

I told him I got laid off.

He said he thinks we can stave off the downsides for a few months.

We! We!? I should have been more grateful but I didn't quite register, what he was saying. This is why meeting him felt so... like nothing. It isn't supposed to feel like a constant rush, or require you to maintain constant vigilance.

~

Woke up in love, or rather, touched by love. I feel older. I'm not really online anymore (nothing there for me) and consequently not checking N's or anyone else's likes.

It's overwhelming. And underwhelming (not “exciting”). I feel floored, held...

Not everyone is even capable of participating in love. This morning I see and feel N as almost a saint. Who lives in my heart.

There's a gap between love and language – you have to bridge the emptiness; it required work, preparation... the capacity to do so. But language has a hard limit of proximity from love. Language can only get so close to love – only points to it. That's why it can't get any closer.

I understand something I never had before, which my dad (by virtue of his marriage and having children) I think long has and said often: you can't say “I love”; it can only be “we love”.

Love is “is”. It passes through everything: or, everything passes through it. Love is the container which holds everything. None of the transient emotions you can feel in a relationship, from the worst to the most exciting and elating, or mysterious, or nothing (none of the people you can appear as, are you – one moment I see him as a fuckboy, or an autistic nerd, or a pretentious hipster, or a bit of a bro, or something like dark matter which is the something between all of these that I can never catch) are love. Love holds them all; all of them pass through like weather, given permission by the holder, and the medium remains.

A person can't love alone. They can be loving, but it is impossible to love alone. Love is the reality between realities, connecting realities, or individuals.

This is why love is the supreme law of Reality that is made for man to live by, the supreme law that rules over him, the law for him to live by. It's not in a romantic sense, but in a very practical, governmental one – laws should be made in accordance with the realities of love. Therefore, politics of isolationism, of all that in this modern age which seeks to separate us, keep us in “pods”, is evil. All that works to keep people from bridging the gap between each other. Love is the web of bridged gaps, the threads of the context field. A normal person contains, or rather develops, the capacity for love, to participate in love.

There would be no love that I experience without N; I am fully dependent upon another (and he, his love, upon me, upon mine). This world is fully dependent. And this love is a calmness that negates all the coldness and isolation I knew. It's a real, permanent realm you need a ticket for.

The coldness, isolation, suspicion, that taught me how to be in the world, and how the world operates.

This is why you can't say “I love.” It's a lie. An impossibility. Love is the opposite of isolation.

I need so little! I feel like this one little offering and show of support is enough to sustain me forever (probably not, realistically, but – it has become a permanent node within my heart. It has removed doubt, insecurity).

I was looking up his old account. I recalled being surprised to be followed by his new account and wondering what had happened; I felt something had. I felt his thought, insecurity, maybe embarrassment, and attention, in choosing to re-follow me) to see if we'd had any interactions before and we had, sparsely but consistently over 2 years. I had always noticed him; he'd always stood apart for me – his mental vibe, level.

They're all deleted but one was a post from 2021: “Over romance. Now what?”

His comment was deleted but mine in response to it was: “Was waiting for this answer.”

Something about Jesus, or books, or a life of research, perhaps?

When we met I recall asking him to hold my jacket for a moment and I went to hand it to him, but hadn't fully removed it yet, and he ended up pulling the sleeve still on my arm off of me. Then I watched him fold it up into a smaller and smaller parcel, and hold it, most carefully.

He is so strange. But I could validate him and make him soft and beautiful, in addition to remaining strange.

I'm afraid to meet again and die of love and tenderness in a few days.

The world of love is like the internet – potentially existing, really real, fading in and out of perception or materiality with the participation and involvement of people or their disappearance.

 

May 20, 2023

Was this trip worth it? I think so far, yes. I feel like I've fallen into a magic stream, or seen one. I can pinpoint the moment when I slipped out of the “normal” world and touched the first glimpse of “something else”. Blairs Mills, a tiny village some distance out from the commercialized pride-flag dominated suburban hell of Gettysburg; but the latter doesn't have the shield of geology: it's open to pillaging of this exact kind, which has overtaken the entire country.

But, not so much even in State College, PA, which, even though it's very liberal by virtue of being a college town, still feels more strongly dominated and influenced by its nestled landscape.

Blairs Mills has a road running along a valley right in the shadow of a ridge with the Tuscarora Creek alongside the road, and the road curves sharply around

 

May 21, 2023

In Montgomery, PA. A tiny town where I feel past life regressions.

There's an old crumbling rugged and ragged blue house with tattered cloth blowing and on a steeply sloping hill.

B wants to move to Lewisberg, finally. I'd have to kayak the Susquehanna (and Juniata) all the way down to the bay, to feel it, to understand it. And then cross the ocean... to another inland, a mountainous inland, across the sea, ultimately in Central Asia.

I know what I'll do if I stay single. I'll finish my projects, get whatever job I need to pay bills, then sell all my things for a kayak, then a boat, or join a boat, and cross the seas. Mountains – wooded mountaintops – to sea connection. And it's all finally bridged.

It's a powerful route, a powerful whole, that has been split into “states”, artificially separated; we don't think in terms of the watershed enough. I don't....

~

In Dushore, PA, another place of palpable magic. The most palpable, maybe. The forest seems witchy. B said some of the woods by Lewisberg where she took her dog on a walk, J.B. Winter State Park, were old growth forest. (She's lucky this place is her heritage. I think it's also why we get along so well).

It would make sense if some of Appalachia at least were old growth.

Dushore has two creeks running through it; they intersect: Marsh Run and Little Loyalsock Creek. The town is built around them, in a valley between high wooded hills. On one hill next to Marsh Run sits an old gray stone church, the kind that's unusually large for such a small place. A house sits right on L. Loyalsock Creek, part of it hanging over the water. This strange, triangular intersection is the pivot point of the village, its architectural fulcrum. Then a little street with some shops and residences goes off it. Marsh Run itself is covered with forget-me-nots and runs between a stone wall that looks old, made of flat stones, but it all could have been made very recently. It only takes a generation, or less, to make ancient history, to make something that's embedded in the eternal. This has the hand of man written all over it to me. This would also be the premise of Riverman: he affects the land and in turn it affects human history.

Man is the steward of earth; we do not need to “leave nature be”: quite the contrary.

Man has the power to combine symbol with ground: plant forget-me-nots along a creek that will eventually run into the sea and which serves as the lifeblood for a secluded town in the hills that is untouched by modernity, that is shielded by the power of its geology – by clean air, silence, trees & green, running living water and stone, all together.

 

 

The people don't have to be aware of being part of it. They are by virtue of their birth and heritage, the miles they've walked on this land and the paths they've traces (include in MM).

From the ice cream/deli shop(but really, porch) by Marsh Run you can look at the main road intersection; often enough, groups of bikers will drive through.

Two cultures, two nodes, intersecting, is powerful. It such life. That's the importance of people's particularities, and not dissolving them in generalities to appease whatever powers that be. Importance in developing and keeping particularities.

Corporate culture, pride flags, are all dissolvers of particularity and specificity because they require mass capitulation, from many, of self, of instinct. To couch it in ideological arguments is misguided, a diversion from talking about how it's really used, which is a game of power.

Even a town has multiple intersecting networks/worlds: creeks/rivers, roads, railways, others: bikers, mushrooms, trees, nomads perhaps. The human cultural ones are of course more transient.

Port cities: waterways, on the edge of maritime network.

Large rivers: represent more power.

But even a small creek can connect a town to something vast.

11:50 PM

The magic ended for me sometime around World's End State Park – the hills flattened and became more spread out, more suspicious. Maybe the forest here is younger. I'd need to look into the county lines and histories of each area.

Juniata county yesterday was magical. After Blairs Mills I drove to Mifflin and that was when I really entered the magic zone beyond (or in?) the ridge and valley. Rundown but interestingly organized town, compact, one local bar, a grid so kind of midwestern, but it's on the Juniata River which to me felt magical. Perfect sized river (not like the Hudson, which is huge, intimidating. Yet I feel safe and held along the network of rivers. Endicott and Binghamton are shitholes, but their negativity will leave an impression in my mind nevertheless by virtue of being in the mountains, in a valley... or overlooking one).

From there I got to Lewistown. I can't remember much from this part except that once more the magic of Juniata river struck me and I felt to myself that I could live there, in Appalachian PA, along the Juniata.

Last place I stopped was State College, tucked away in the Appalachians. Like any college town, it's been touched by the influence of the GAE, but under all the noise of the pub, the clubs, the beer pitchers, the contemporary loud streets, the silence of the hidden valley and thick woods pervaded, was clearer. The mountain, Appalachian influence was, to me, stronger than modern political influences (such as flatter lands are more susceptible to, lands with less cover (until it goes the other way and the lack of cover becomes brutally harsh and unforgiving).

The woods in Juniata county may be older, too. Altogether it offers amulet-like protection, that contemporary people then call “witchy” because we're so used to the absence of magic.

B was staying in Lewisberg with her mom, so I drove straight there along 45 (should have taken 192) instead of finding a place to park in State College. Lewisberg... very quaint, painted, rich thanks to Bucknell.... The adjoining towns are more rundown. From there I passed Montgomery for coffee, then Williamsport, which was breathtaking, right on the West Susquehanna and in a vast, vast ridge valley. Then Montoursville, Barbours, Forksville, finally Dushore.... After Dushore going north the magic faded.

 

 May 22, 2023

Inner world fading in/out w/ eyes upon it/not upon it.

~

Potential connection/hypothesis: when new trees are planted they aren't connected right away (or ever) to the tree network; that's why they can't grow big.

Trees and people are dependent; that is, people are dependent on trees/the forest for sanity.

Only a powerful/lucky tree connects to the network.

How do they connect? Research tree network. Through water perhaps? Through spiritual forces!

~

Twitter X logo very ugly, without charm. Reminds me of the Baltimore water taxis: original ones were white & blue, a charming, positive sight. Then Kevin Plank bought them or bought new ones, and they're all supposedly MD flag themed, but mostly black. They look like warships.

Why do all leaders today tend toward the same aesthetic free of charm? It's like they're so terrified of kitsch they strip away everything.

Is it even going to be enjoyable to use? But the point isn't for it to be enjoyable, but standard, daily;the Amazon of social life that can be tracked and commodified. The message is clear: either interact, meet people, have access to info and communication in this regulated unfree system, or don't communicate at all.

...The ancient tree vs. ??? war that caused trees to evolve into a spread out network of stationary trees. As people will have to become, with evolved language.

Research ancient tree war.

Networks can harmonize, as well. Or they can cancel, antagonize.

Maybe the real evil in the X network is its desire to be self-contained, no, to contain all of human experience.

On the other hand the rebranding is a different era because it destroys the old illusion and the “illusion” is valuable, is the myth. Myth is a powerful level, network, that by Reality's design cannot be touched by just anyone.

Who invented rivers?

The stones in Marsh Run look ancient because they follow very old design principles recognizable to people, moreover design principles based on reality – and people are vibe sensitive. But it could have been built 10 years ago.