January 21, 2024 - layering; collapse

January 21, 2024

What started concretely with the man at the store on 1/17 continues. Stayed up til 6 AM, reached enlightenment, a state.... I typed it; I'll attempt to write it.

What happens after enlightenment? I see systems. I see the system containing every thought a person has. I see the systems and subsystems around us operating in life: the woman to my left thinking in the framework and terms of pop-psych (ADHD, autism, anxiety).

The girl to my right in a conference call with someone talking about “a lot of feminists don't do this...”

Some people are less entrapped in any system; the barista, whose name I don't know, whom I like and have chatted with - “white trash” thin woman who seems perpetually a bit drugged, has a child. Also the barista who's been friendly to me and sometimes tells me random snippets.

~

Could I have been cleverly trapped in my own world? Certainly. And these women – may only be playing to frameworks for the sake of work or for the sake of common language with a friend.

-

I think N was disappointed that he was not able to convey his vision to me. That I was not able to see what he sees. I think now I can see it, because once you see it you cannot unsee it, and while it seems like lunacy or schizophrenic raving to those who still believe in the unknown, the seekers see the same vision. The vision also explains everything. It can explain my unrequited love, it can explain H and his love for schizo egirls. It can reconcile Jung's collective unconscious with evolution, in that they're both wallpaper pressed to some wall, interlocking puzzle pieces.

~

I tried to read SsandPW last night, but from pausing to think about one detail, so much unfurled: lost file. I will attempt to recreate it. All my notes in the book/PDF lost too....

Capturing the vision is designed to be slippery, difficult to hold onto in mind, as the thought is new and gazes upon the unseen.

The key, starting point, was a crucial part of his thesis: “[exposure of the method without a broader understanding of the epistemology of the Hermetical-alchemical process is worse than useless, and reinforces the control mechanism.]”

“A broader understanding” I take to mean revealing methods in use now. A broader understanding I'd take to be the larger, deeper view in Mulholland Drive that captures the process rather than the Matrix of Truman Show, which just capture the result, allegorically.

Why is it worse, to reveal what happened? The first revelation is a shock, but after that to show the mechanism again (and no more) is repetition; the same shock cannot be elicited from people, and what we get is akin to learned helplessness.

Learned helplessness, a concept in modern psychology.... I realized this: learned helplessness is the mechanism of what's being done to us that we cannot see or name. But a name for the same thing is given to us, it describes the process but in the context of psychology, the system of modern psychology, which pushes us inward into introspection, which was fabricated.

It's crucial to recognize that all popular systems in effect now, or at least those that have been, push in the same direction: inward, smaller, reduced: from the WEF which uses scare tactics; not that the restructuring isn't happening. It is happening and the reason it's talked about is that it must be described to us, or it would be too nakedly seen[/the whole thing might chance to be glimpsed when no description is given]. So it's talked about in a manner of fear, in a manner of fear, so that we are filled with fear at the “inevitable” - and that is the scare tactic.

~

If it were silent, people would describe it themselves easily – and then they would describe more; they would describe what this restructuring sits upon. Putting what we ought to fear into parameters prevents us from thinking further about it. In this case it removes a huge aspect of power: the unknown.

The unknown is placed elsewhere: into evolution, into God, into the collective unconscious – into, in a word, bullshit fabricated systems that seem to be at odds with one another, but actually are connected to each other like puzzle pieces by having no sky of endlessness like they presume to, but being tacked onto the same backing plate of our constructed unseen psychic cage. The unknown is a fabricated idea, just as infinity was a fabricated concept... and of course, invented in the Renaissance.

Layering is the key. These concepts are layered, so that there's perfect overlap between the “two worlds” there, and then they diverge. This divergence allows you to not see the hidden context of what's being done to us – hidden because it connects all our visible smaller [seemingly separated] contexts/systems.

Another lie is the sensation that this is mystical, or a natural universal order. Discovering the context – something mystic and sacred that only a few special people can reach. No – it's extremely simple once you see it – it's – literally – a constructed thing, almost like a steel wall, best represented in Dark City, or as a movie set.

You can see these repeating motifs everywhere, peppered in: grand “esoteric” theories of Theosophy on the devolution of man – how convenient that we know the goal of social engineering to be to dumb us down. That goal is the invisible context. Theosophy is the visible context. And ones like Blavatsky used for her ability to bring about new parts of a plan, a construct, new ideas synthesized. Only Christ was not used [during his lifetime]. And Gurdjieff. Christ stood above all of this, outside it. And Letov sings: исскуство быть посторонним. Art is being an outsider. Christ's framework captures all of these other frameworks and remains – they collapse inside it.

Symbol, as well, is based on repetition, the association, learned association, of a sign with a feeling or thought, and then the continued and changing obscuration of these symbols – as N pointed out in the Exxon logo – merely to assert, reassert, its supremacy and domination over our world. But the symbols by themselves mean nothing, of course. We consciously repeat and perpetuate them, strengthening their associations, knowing not what we do. But “ancient” symbols – well, there's an art to constructing symbols that can affix themselves in the psyche in the first place, not unlike constructing an alphabet (AoS) –

They are just layered over and over upon air and given a quality of antiquity; we're told they appeared thousands of years ago. Just like money not wealth – for wealth is land. But money, is essentially a symbol. “This” represents value. Now money is being fastened to the most tyrannical symbol of all: infinity.

Philosophy – also a tool, to capture the smartest minds the object and its representation – what is this but the mechanism of creating space between one and a symbol, a gap so that the name doesn't touch you (them), for (their) continued protection and secrecy?

It's so simple – the presence of symbolism in something is the sign of the invisible men. That's the alarm bell of constructed reality of the movie set. They rob man of his natural right to be the creator – they strong-arm it from him, and make him do it their way.

And the invisible men – the context creators – they can appear beautifully, mysteriously, as shadows. And this vision only gives them power. I have maybe evaded being used as an artist merely to enhance their power through imprinting, transferring it, in new artistic media and mechanisms. The truth is, the invisible men are those who know, and the rest are those who don't. Those who know and who it is known know. Don't reveal you know. Or you will be recruited. You will be recruited for talent or power, used for knowledge.

~

As endlessness was manufactured, so was depth. What is depth but increasing abstraction?

From this realization about psychology and seeing the layering, I realized, saw, the complete fakery and bullshit of Jung's collective unconscious. If you see the system, the movie set, it rests upon, it is suddenly perfectly uncannily tailored to fit it, and perfectly explained. If you don't see it, it's full of “mysteries” to endlessly debate, and you can spend a lot of time interacting with these archetypes. It's so laughable, when the reality of social engineering is seen, to say that we have these eternal archetypes in us – when 'these are just cut-outs stuck onto construction paper and affixed to us' is a much simpler explanation. The collective unconscious is nothing more than this: seeing these archetypes in your environment over and over, like flashing symbols, and then using Jung's explanation to concoct a fantasy about them. And what are they? Clever perversions of older symbols. It's so in the open as to be bold. Jung is known to have been a student of Hermeticism. It seems like he was a fool – he was onto something, but didn't see it all the way. Still, he was on his way to illustrating principles. But what it seems he didn't see is that this sense of depth is manufactured.

~

It is important to trace the line of even one field – economics, money, psychology, film industry, or any historical event, or any subset or event in any field that is controlled, music industry, back to the wall they are all tacked onto, the steel dome our perception is locked in, they are all tacked to the reality of social engineering – that's why they all lead back to the underworld, which is used to keep it all a secret. Which, actually, seems to tenuous....

~

I have a feeling I'll never see N again. Never seeing him, this world – not I – will remain ungrounded, untethered, unended, but will spin off into air. We will never affirm each other. If we did it might collapse. It requires the gap. After all this, after staying up until 6 to write all this out – I was in such a state: all of the theories I went through up until now had collapsed back into a point because rather than explaining, they could now be explained. All of the thousands of beautiful, entertaining, deep theories, the daily prelest, resolved back into a null point. A vision that nullified all theories. Funny how this mechanism itself mimics the myth of the Big Crunch – something to pay attention to.

• after this, I did go to sleep for a few hours, and had a dream about N. We went to a hotel, traveling, and he lay down next to me and put his arm around me, and we lay like that, caressing each other, I taking his hand and caressing it, and his arm, finally close, for what felt like hours. He finally decided on me: We talked to some other people; he had his arm around me. I've never dreamed this fulfillment before.

I remembered, also, a dream I had of being with O, before I knew that N would pick me, and also hugging him and caressing him, but this was briefer and a memory within the dream, and I thought of how I would cut it off with him.

~

I'm reminded of a story my dad told me of somebody Quenta knew, a woman non-sleeper of heavy structure, she said. She spent her life figuring out some concepts, then once she did – killed herself. I feel like this. Where do I go from here? It's tempting to step out, to stop writing my stories, for I see their partial vision (to my eyes) now, that their kernels/ideas/believed in falsehoods, back my understanding of the one unignorable face of their invented man-made origin, kept secret from me by my love of the feeling of depth, of mysticism.

I must continue in well-aimed specificity and optimism, for freedom is the only thing there is. “Man is born free and everywhere he is in chains”; not some abstract mystical statement.

My new sight makes everything look very simple. And the notion that I was in my own world is laughable, hilarious I had one foot in the truth of our situation the whole time. Yeah, I wasn't in this fake bullshit world.

~

Used concepts:

• repetition – layering and layering upon air

• space between name and self

• feelings of mysticism and depth

• infinity

Strange to think that in the tarot, the Magician is under infinity, or he knows it is a most powerful weapon.

The Magician is the invisible man.

The Fool is about to walk off the edge of the world. Off set.

~

In honesty, I've never experienced a moment quite like the long moment – an hour, more – where all of the beautiful theories that had brought me increasingly closer to the exit by pointing me, guiding me, mysteriously and beguilingly (I now see, inevitably), all collapsed in on themselves when I finally understood what they – as well as all other theories and frameworks in my world – sat upon. What constructed fakery. There is only the manufactured world of the Invisible Hand, and the Invisible Hand is all those people working on the set, using these conceptual tools to tame one of the only – if not only – things we know for sure to exist: the human psyche.

I see the Matrix in a different light now, perhaps – it was what Michael Hoffman described: revelation of the method (system) – a very powerful vector for tying symbolic associations onto us – and what allowed the impact of that man in the store. Maybe the Wachowskis went a little off script, though, and said something about the Laws of God.

After I followed the daisy chain starting from that book quote to the collapse of all these theories – there is no “arhat and magirani” - there are people of ability used by the IH; there are no witches – only people who see the truth.

Neither is there schizophrenia (how conveniently we keep all the differently named outsiders at bay and write them off).

Some people are trying to break out but they don't know of what, and they aren't evil or crazy, but perceptive – H, and O – why else would H chase after “schizo” egirls, as echizos are those closer to seeing our predicament but can't make sense of the information they're taking in too quickly?

My unrequited love – also nothing but my best conceptualization of the way out [the gap through which the exit appears].

It's not our subconscious pulling us to them – it's memory. It's not a realm, it's us, our memory having been suppressed artificially. That's why it's the ghost who has led me to the core of me, where there's an eternal sadness. An elaborate and beautiful cope [the shape of the lover] for the truth of our brutalization – this sadness which seems to come from nowhere [through softening layers of numbing and cope like twenty mattresses, registering as a beautiful, glowing pea or pearl] – has the realest, most profound cause.

Sadness over the lost rightful ability of creation, lost memory, the losing of one's life to fakery. Because deep down people know they are not worthless, that their lives do have meaning, and their only precious gift is being wasted on a fake world maintained, kept running, by their own brutalization. How they will pay.... All is mockery: the “religions” and theories that so often hook the brightest sheep are those that mimic the elites' foundational sense of elitism. Arhat & magirani. No coincidence that when one begins to awake, there's a system ready to tell you you're a god or goddess, and even, as with скульптор, you are urged to get off your high horse, remove your crown, you are still urged to play – and what do you play with? Maybe you make art or advance in the world, maybe you make use of symbolic actions, sigils, and just become a strong tool of the system's perpetuation.

All these theories are founded on making people feel special. You should never feel special, superior to other men, first of all because superiority is the easiest hook to pull you into delusion over and over. Michael Hoffman says flattery is the main principle of this working; Gurdjieff, man's vanity.

• after this whole daisy chain led to this collapse and I was sitting in it, nowhere to go, I saw a tweet on my timeline that said, “Your initiation is complete.” It rang across the screen of my perception with that quality of a shining ripple in the matrix. I've never read a tweet like that before. Many others commented on the odd timing of that tweet – suspicious. Hilarious. Am I part of a cadre being shepherded along deliberately to drop the old, as all those systems are/will no longer be working soon and a restructuring is very obviously intended/taking place, which should serve as a big hint that I'm being revealed the obsolete for purposes beyond my awareness?

There was also, on the TV, a frozen screen full of stars, only one of which was blinking. And then a different one. I see signs everywhere now, more sharply. But remember never to feel special. There's a third option: so what? Which is freedom, which is the only real thing.

It's not “I don't care”, it's “I will go on my way regardless.” I will maintain the human things (“genuine human life”. N already knew everything when we met. Now I also understand what he meant by “you're saintly. You resist temptation.” That's a resistance to “the tyranny of symbolism,” I think) rightful to any person.

I just want to be married and have a child. What else would I want, really? Mostly I want my lover. That's it, that's all.

As regards the feeling of not knowing whether I have become enlightened or played right into the hands intended for me, or whether none of this is real, and how do you ever know? How do you emerge out of it?, my answer is that my behavior [code of conduct] will not change, whatever the circumstance. Whether it's a simulation is irrelevant to my choosing to act human. And no simulation, no psyop, can touch this at all [and turn me into an animal].

This, I think, is that moment in the Matrix II when Neo remarks to the computer programs about them being capable of love, and they say it is the connection that matters.

God's Love – the Law of Love – sits above all “psyops” and “schizophrenia” and lost Amazonian tribes, and is made manifest in the most ordinary man, whether he sees what I see or whether he sees only the screen and loves his child with all his heart. This is why Christ is the only path out, and why he is victorious. Imagine being the Christ, on Earth... you can't.

I don't even know if I “love” N, or if it's that I love him; it's just that my mind has become so entwined with him, his presence, the idea of him.

~

One more thing: something which is a big sign is something that I noticed years ago: laws (social laws) no longer work for very long. My dad and I, and even N and I, have discussed this. What I didn't realize (because, as with everything, I saw it against a background of darkness and mystery) is that it's actually a big sign of precariousness, of this movie-self-system, and its crisis. They cannot get a hold of advancement, of the world at the end of a system (WWII) that no longer works. They are trying very hard with more heavy-handed symbolism, with rapid attempts to dumb down humanity. And I think they may actually fail. Though the dumbing down will (has) succeed(ed).

~

Cynicism is built into Satan, because of people's susceptibility to symbolism. They love to think in symbols – people love to make sense of what's going on around them into witches, magical people, aliens, connections, and whatever else has been fed into them. Satan, knowing the falsity of symbols, cannot help but be a symbol, play along with their power, because if he tried to tell people not to believe in symbols, they wouldn't believe him.

Satan knows (almost) all God knows, but is not God.

He cannot access the Law of Love.

~

Is quantum theory the next place to look? I told my dad I was reading the Bible; he said maybe quantum theory would be the direction to research. I am in the part. Quantum theory already feels like an alien-mind-plan and I do think it is a big part of the plan for restructuring the psyche of the human individual (or group?). An told me about “emerging” behaviors, the behaviors of crowds, flocks, being under new laws from those governing individuals. My dad had also mentioned Gusev talking about this (Gusev is the decoder Quenta told her ideas to, who then wrote books), эмержентность, and different laws at different scales.

Quantum seems important because the pattern of taking one piece of info, one event, and being able to fit it into two realities, and not knowing which is real – 0, 1, or neither – seems to be exactly the shape of the conundrum – and solution – I've been put before. And I wonder if quantum mechanics/computing wasn't an advancement that got away from “them”, and if the crisis in the context field isn't due largely to them not being able yet to master quantum computing.

~

N and I are in the past. I wonder if he can feel this, us becoming nullified, his vision being/becoming nothing. But that's why you must never love aesthetic, in order to survive, and always continue to test your ideas, and research. But I will keep my mind and truth. I will remember (myself, my land), even if I am the only one in the world with that “memory” (the memory of a real reality which never was, for anyone else. Their goal is to make you small, irrelevant. Your relevance to reality is your birthright as Man).

Only if I write out the complete thought of the day do I feel normal/relieved, and spent! in a good way. Tomorrow – or in an hour – back into the disease. A little bit of space frees up – I can write Karolina or other stories begun – If I lose the vision and fall into the useless delusion of those tales – I'll wake up again. By the hand of my love.

From the perspective of the world I described I understand monasteries and convents to be places of refuge from the movie set – they're on the outside [3/17/24 – not at all true; monasteries we know were founded as economic centers. They may be relief – but that is because they are close to money, not on the outside].

He eludes me forever. He is the softest soul. The most sensitive man. And I'm the brute, the black wooden swan who comes snapping at him, trying to hunt him down. I think I've met him, but I've only pointed around him – meanwhile he is hearing or discovering something more beautiful than anything I know. What could I possibly give him, but by being a different woman?

There is a gap that will never close between me and my ghost, and out from this gap pours the whole vibrant world.

I've fallen asleep again. Like Света says in Отпуск, she never knows if she's dreaming, or awake. I feel like this, too. I never know if what I discover about the delusion is my way out. There is no way out, and nobody can control that [because there is no way out of one's own psyche. The only way out is to lose one's self in creation: to forget one's self. Then it doesn't matter if you are on a stage, on the grass – all becomes both the real world and the stage. The solution is to play your role to the full].