March 2023 - initial

Diary 28

March 1, 2023

I've been talking a little to "N", who is very smart, of fine mind. I feel a little grain of happiness in the center from this.

~

Reality & the Void

it all sits atop nothing

+

at the top is all of creation that I can't imagine

Knocked down to almost nothing – not on the bottom, but I can see it.

As soon as this knock happens I can feel the process of energy filling begin again, slowly.

(something or someone took your energy – maybe it was D, maybe it was my mother)

Where does this spiritual strength that seems to come from nowhere come from?

Nothing big; tiny; moving to sit up & approach people, saying what I want...

Downloads

but only after I've gotten some energy back, some layers filled again.

March 3, 2023

No adequate way to express myself, to even form ideas. I feel like my mind has cancer – stuck in this job I hate, no man's land, rotting, belong to nothing, no human connection, too eager to imagine a love with someone, imagine their personality, feel their mind.

 

March 5, 2023

Yesterday or the day before, Y started interacting again.

The vivid daydream precedes your physical presence.

It feels like he is everywhere – not his physical self but the part of him “up there”, which to me feels diffuse, or vast, like a vast covering.

For me, I've felt like I want clarity, that I can't put my mind together. At one moment it seems I'm functioning at my best, can't be better, another it seems I don't know or remember anything.

Most of my past ideas have been bad/fluff.

Struggle to organize my thoughts.

For me it's more about acting, performing, in the moment. At least socially.

No, "N", he is smart, about the world. Clear headed. Reliable, vast mind like a rock. I wish he'd reply and be my boyfriend. Mind I can play in. I feel like all my activity is silly compared to him, and he does something real. I feel silly compared to him. I am just holding court with my friends, I am pure entertainment, nothing real or worthwhile. Just having fun with my friends.

 

March 7, 2023

There's no permanence in my inner world. No permanent self-identity and no permanent principles. It's like, this is why I feel bypassed. Like God did not shine through me. Like I am a ray who cannot shine.

I think the real source of my pain is ambition. I want to do something great. I believe, even if never thinking the words, that I have a great destiny. And right now I'm wasting away, doing nothing. And I don't want to try.

I have to accept and tap into this well of ambition, into my feeling of self-importance. What else is the point of life (for me)? I can't just chill.

Having "N"'s presence is a good help in getting me “in between”, being nowhere with men, out of my dependency on W and not yet formed a dependency with anyone else.

In town Friday I got food and then as I walked out almost walked into a young black guy in a face mask and denim jacket that said “guardian angel” on it with a winged heart, one wing blue, one green. Schizoid-seeming, somewhat stumbling. I couldn't take my eyes off him. I felt like he wasn't lying, he really is a guardian angel. Rare lil instance of “above” and “below” (our world).

Then once he was out of sight a crow nearby started flying lower and lower. I watched it hover just a few feet away, the air gathered under its feathers as it slowly descended like a, well, like a falling feather.

 

March 9, 2023

"N" is one of the few people who talks about anything real. A lot real. He only talks about things that are real. I feel so silly around him. I don't talk about anything real – I have nothing real to talk about, or lack the language or training. My schooling, intellectual foundation, was all fake. He makes me feel feminine, in that next to him I truly feel like I've been a silly little girl LARPing as an intellectual man all along.

It's as if everything suddenly got quiet, as if all the jokes and memes and shitposts and personal revelations and nonsense were all just noise, noise that I was trying to wade through.

~

He seems unlike the other men that hang around me. All have been forgotten and seem lost in the maelstrom of personal thought.

I feel myself to be on the outside. Will he want me? This is my aim, to be like this. I don't even know his name. I've “committed” too fast, that is, paid attention solely to him. But I'm not a normal woman and maybe he's not a normal man, or maybe he doesn't want to get personal. Why do I feel so... then? Because I'm lonely. God I hope I need him. In this dream I see how calm and safety is so much better than “excitement”. And once you feel it you'll never want excitement again. I know he has the right spirit of freedom and liberation of the human spirit and soul, since he told me about the origins of the Boer War. I think he's a decoder, a very strong one. I can see that escaping from society isn't for him and he's in the world, acting within it, but his mind is so busy and his passions get in the way of “success”.

 

 March 10, 2023

Broke out of the insanity of imagining "N" quicker than I did before. This is just what I did with so many – making a mythos of them. They bit, though. They took the bait and wore the skin. The fantasy I imagined with "N" was a mentally expansive one, mentally reliable, calm but not boring... he stabilizes me and feeds me all the information.

So this is just a sign for me to read more.

Be less attached to what I do, creatively, output. Less rushed.

I have to fall softly back down the earth and feel the pain fully. Marriage won't save my life. I can't let a man be my whole source of happiness. Life is happening now, not in my mind. Maybe "N" is too far above me and I'm meant to turn away from the notebook and phone and look at more people. Maybe he's a decoder seeking a nonsleeper and I didn't give him the hit. I feel sharply my inability to touch the real but at least I can clear out the bullshit, the not-real. And be left with... well, nothing. And I'm back at square 1. I need to practice music more.

It was just yet another version of what I want, which is that understanding, that unspoken connection. But I have to live without it on this Earth.

I think I'm having a good day today, though, for the first time in a while.

It shouldn't be like this. It's the withholding that makes me so emotional and pulls out the beautiful images. I think he's hesitant because I'm over 30. I haven't told him my age but I make no secret of my cultural references. 

 

March 11, 2023

I think "N" may be my soulmate, may be the one for me... I feel certain about it, actually.

In my fantasies I see it as a relationship that lasts. He is just like me. Did in fact write the bit that I read 2-3 times in a row the first time I encountered it because it was so funny, and released something else similar around the same time but not under his account. Who is he? I don't know his name or age but I suspect he might also be 33, that would just make sense. I don't want to assume too much. Hard not to fantasize. I told him about how I came online and about lowbie chat and how it had an internal mythos. His mind is so expansive and subtle and sexy. I couldn't sleep at all last night after our talking. I told him I would 100% read whatever he wrote.

 

March 12, 2023

So much moving through me today.

If you write beautifully, it must look beautiful, too.

How sneaky is W – that when I was talking to "N" he must have felt me moving away from him.

“We have a psychic connection,” as he says. It's true. We do. We have an energetic connection that I have been trying to break because he is so possessive.

I was in love with "N" after texting for a night/evening and right after that W pulled me in.

When the Magic Man is gone

once again the pieces fall

asylum for his call

I cannot see him in the hall

I do not need to be a patient of conceptual freefall

because I know the Magic Man

is never gonna call again

 

March 13, 2023

I have a crazy theory about "N". I'm just swimming in fantasies. I have to acknowledge him every day, as he does me – it's at least moved to this – to some certainty without fear. Certainty of what I want to say. In my fantasies, which have been ratcheted up to a more intense degree (ordinarily I'd tell myself to calm down, but that doesn't work. Better to ride out the fantasies and operate from there, on that level – answer as the character always, from within the story. Sure I still have doubts, sure it could all come crashing down at any moment – but I have to live with it).

I'm fully out of the depression I was in.

He introduced me to some music. Listening on youtube I liked this one very long, insightful, sincere comment and realized as I was reading it that it sounded quite like "N". So I clicked on user dichloro-arsine. Now, the rest is probably insane, but I have to get it out. It was fun to live in for a few moments. No apologies. I google this name and found it is the base of various WWI chemical warfare agents. "N" I know has an extensive knowledge of pre-WWI and the rest of 20^th century history. The picture was also of a left hand with an enigmatic palm on a cross... some esoteric symbol.... "N" has brought up the occult several times. I looked up dichloroarsine, and it's Lewisite. Is his name perhaps Lewis?

When I was in middle school I came up with this story about a family, a couple with 6 daughters, the father of whom was modeled after my ideal man, a proto-version of Yan, a very radical and spirited and uncompromising man, named Lewis. They meet another couple with 6 sons and go on various adventures each year until the oldest children graduate high school.

 

March 14, 2023

Learning to be in love, to be in the fantasy, yet keep living. To be patient. I feel like if this doesn't end up being all of the fantasies I've let run through my mind, I don't know where I'll go. I'll be silent a long time. I'll read a lot. I'll be humbled. Maybe that's a better mode of life for me. Who am I, in this cosmology? I finally understand Bladee and the rest of them. But who is "N"? I have ideas running through my mind.

Yet so much has changed for me, since this interaction, since we started talking. I want him so, so badly. Maybe that can never happen for me. Maybe I just stay online and write my Love Theory, or be lost again. At the very least, W's energy is completely out of me – I don't think I can ever go back to “our” land. That land is gone. We are no longer in contact. I am fully (and devotedly, completely) in somebody else's camp. It was so easy, really. I was so ready for it to happen. He has noticed me for months, I know. Quietly lurking and occasionally liking something I said which I took to mean as validation because I knew he was smart. I knew it to be insightful from an odd angle. If "N" liked it, I knew it to be true.

I have been going crazy for weeks now, in adrenaline and the most beautiful fantasies of who this person is and how we'd go together.

 

March 15, 2023

Well, his name is N. Of course it's N.

So much has happened internally, but I feel he is stringing me alone, or unsure, or maybe senses my enthusiasm and excitement and is scared... but what did he expect, for me to perpetually be aloof and provide mystery? It hurts.

 

 March 18, 2023

I have a plan. I'm going to go to Home Depot today after work, get some candles and adhesive or nails to fix my projector screen, then put on a movie once it gets dark and practice strumming for some songs. Then I'll send him some photos of what the projection looks like, like I said I would. Then, if we talk, I'll just give him my number and say to text/call if he wants. And that'll be that. It never works or ends well, so why should this time be different. But I won't be going crazy about it anymore. The fantasy from this interaction, these past 2-3 weeks, was amazing. I've never gone crazier, more all in. Maybe it's age.

Nevertheless I'm going insane. I just feel so... like it has to happen. Like I can't wait for it to happen. I feel like if he rejects me, gears are going to jam shut for me for some time. Like I won't know what to do.

Today I'm in another world. This interaction with N's mind – it has set off something that I feel I'm in the throes of, can't be free of. Altogether, I feel like my orientation, artistically or something, is being set, I'm being set like a bone, by angel hands. I've barely eaten for a week! Pulled 3 all-nighters – twice just couldn't sleep, the last one just stayed up recording songs late – two of which are good enough performances for me to want to mix. I went from 136 lbs 2 months ago to 127 this morning.

Today I feel like I'm learning to listen to music in a new way, to hear it with my body, that is, to really dive inside, to be in it so that I'm not thinking of or perceiving anything else, anyone around me – the way my dad described he did with his undertakings, and the way I think N does (he is very poetic and almost synesthetic in his descriptions, as well as very precise) – to be truly involved, not distracted – as I have been all my life.

My path has been through music, always, on some level. From piano lessons to beginning with P introducing me to Indian Classical. Every era is bound to music and often the man is instrumental in introducing me to music that has a profound impact on me. Now, finally now, things make sense to me, or almost, through music.

I can't really be inside my own music. This year it's been Y and N ("N"), as well as R, who've had the most profound impact on my “evolution” aesthetically, which I feel is finally complete, put together, makes sense and is solidified – N said my idea of making clips and filming how they're projected from my shitty projector was vaporwave, and I guess he's right. Since 2020, since the day I walked around Fells Point taking blurry, compositionally unfocused photos, then doing it later for RNB art, it has started to come together. Something has been gelling. The concepts of low res photos, images, is one I love – but in a particular way. Through cheap tech. Iterations of pictures on a computer screen taken on a cheap phone camera – the tech available to us.

The spiritual antithesis of AI, of Grimes' aesthetic, of all that is polished and whitewashed – AI isn't even future! It's just an attempted monopoly on the future. It's an attempt to be the one to describe “space”, to set the parameters – to set the wavelengths that resonate throughout society, that are prevalent. Of course, reality contains all wavelengths all the time and no organization can stop that. I think my album, the purpose of it, was to break up some of the prevailing wavelengths by tapping into them and then rattling them, or switching from one set to another from song to song, to put people in the emptiness between them, to throw them off. More on aesthetic – first, the newest development, which is the new way of listening to music.

(Well, I see N “like” something about dark eyes being prettiest on a girl, so I guess I am out of the running and left again to my own nowhere. I need to end this today – sick to my stomach. I'm going to be utterly sick, faint).

I only ever meet people's ghosts. That's the problem. Many people are born with a ghost attached to them. But people aren't their ghosts, aren't aware of their ghosts, and so they don't really know what Tress is talking about or what she does or who she meets (other than Interloper, who of course is no one and isn't real). But of course their actions have an effect, have consequences, and she reaches into a real tradition to find the Destroyer. She needs to first meet someone like "N".

~

I told him I would be up for talking outside of online sometime, and he said same. He doesn't sound very enthusiastic so I'm not optimistic. But I felt instant relief. Until he works up the courage to actually call, I get to live in that mystical reality encountered through him. Never have I been, or felt, more seductive, in power – maybe ultimately he doesn't like me or the tables turned, or he had a change of heart or I'm not his ideal. But for now it comes easily, flirting indirectly, proving my loyalty, feelings and poetic snippets of thoughts.

 

March 20, 2023

It was a perfectly laid out fantasy, that I loved to step in. Of course his withholding, his mere quanta of attention, pulled on my heartstrings and made me go after him. But now I've turned the tables and the work is done. And yet, he freed me from W's energy, like a focused laser, just as his mind is focused, he came in and kicked W out... but of course now he leaves, too. And he knew not how he was used. But I feel freer and lighter than ever before. Moving, just moving through ordinary life, is easy. W clung onto me for lifetimes.

A lesson I'll never learn. I don't understand. It seemed to be going well, now he's disappeared. Twice I [something crude I can't say], and no relief! What is wrong with me? I'm addicted. How could I feel he is the one?

March 21, 2023

Mapping out Мёртвый Мир

• Tress goes crazy from being surrounded by figures and forces that seem to be in another world breaking open

  • forces: these forces she realizes are only latching on, & she helps certain people transform. The forces come from events, ultimately. She passes through egregores

• There is a room where she + the Interloper ultimately meet fully – after she crosses the land bridge – but he doesn't really exist – he is no one.

• Destroyer is her spiritual father. His action did have a consequence – to break up the hole, to unpeel the earth, to kick off vertical world – the hole remains intact but the pieces of earth are embedded in other peopl.

• Because, the way vertical world works, Korea & Spain can be right next to each other, from the tube,

• Tress eventually becomes an underground queen, big in the underground.

We, the people, gave our pain,

payment for the mystic market

“They” swooped in, in blending gray,

and stole it, so it was useless.

With our pain they seized control –

all our blood spilled for our own

went not to us, and left a big black hole

we're all enslaved to now

• the hole is our darkness, our defect, our anxiety, our weakening, used in the cloak of pathos and beauty to further us in and hang on to its supreme influence.

• This is the secret the Destroyer knew – he went to the big black hole, covered by earth and pierced it from a spot where he could access it – this is the connection between people and Earth – the coming vertical world, what the context creators are working toward, trying to uncover;

  • secret mechanism, real world lore also that this black hole is the foundation of our present civilization

Everyone knew the legend: the Destroyer went to piece the Earth's core and was devoured, fell in, was consumed.

He (Letov) was a Poet, and the secrets are kept, revealed, in poetry – he had access to the stream of poetry (the whole Reality is a stream of Poetry) and through that he learned about the great blood sacrifice that had been botched, by pulling that poem, and turning it into a song (?)(Botched Blood Sacrifice).

Nobody knows why – he was a jokester? A trickster? “They've” piled many fake legends to obscure it

• the first step Tress takes it (hears the world silence, reminds her of sitting on the porch 5 years before on a summer night with neighbor playing music, but behind that hearing the bells of war, the sound of war) (has some other tie to him?)

  • she knows the legend of the Destroyer, but how? Someone told her, perhaps her dad. Tress is a loser in life, a lost girl who has received glimpses of a lover, of a song.

• Tress must pay for these realizations with her pain, must pay with her life. That's another principle illustrated: pay with your life, Reality's exchange rate. Most cannot even access that kind of payment. Covid and other modernity lobs off the head of social/sexual life so that people will not rebuild life force, will not collect – because if they did they could repay the debt (as Logo says, Jesus talks about repaying debts – but they are mystical debts, enacted/enforced from a long line of magic, paganism, meant to control forces.

• Another principle; first principle uncovered, after Jan 1, 2020 (never name covid, but reference use of symbols, i.e. the virus), is that the world is no longer solid, is broken into pieces & she falls into the nowhere, the crevasse

  • There are many maps – this leads into the other principle, of people + terrain

  • Tress finds hostels, worlds/rooms/spaces not there, eventually they start building a map, and in their construct they are in New Iran, where she stays a little while. She just seems like a weird schizo white woman. [“There is no more myth for me,” she said.]

  • when she meets whoever "N" is, the Interloper, they're back in that dark room

  • from New Iran goes on a quest to find the Destroyer & what he knew – finds the black hole, & his poetry

  • only a few people hold the world together – I do so by writing this, by creating these characters from my life.

  • What is the crevasse? Tress encounters it via the context creators, doesn't realize it's the same as what the Destroyer found – only later does she

  • this is where the Destroyer went, in the inner world (outer world he just dies of heart failure, alcoholism)

    • but she saves him, his soul, when she faces it herself, without realizing – there's a thin white flame?

    • Later she realizes they are the same crevasse

  • context creators & people attuned to vertical world will make it over the crevasse but those who don't pay attention will be discarded w/ the old world

    • the great wipe: they still go on living, but their souls are gone

  • Tress' quest is motivated by finding her place – eventually she is terrain? Or finds a home? But she is a trespasser, & goes into secret world – how does it end for her? [10/3/24 all she finds is acceptance of aloneness, not her place among people but rather the opposite, a final parting from them, and her solitude, nowhereness, total lack of myth, living in reality, parting with the Interloper and keeping a firm grip on reality; first she finishes her myth, consciously, for the sake of it, parting with the Interloper after 1000 years, forever “goodbye after a thousand years”, and he goes back into the crevasse that he jumped out from, and the hole in the earth that the Destroyer, her spiritual father, opened up]

    • slowed down fantasies, many of them, keeping living, her holding together that fictional world. Slowed down fantasy streams with knowledge revealed.

  • Another principle:people side by side putting pressure on each other's worlds, by which they exist then.

    • Illustrate in Echo how he faces the crevasse already in himself first, then later the rest of the world faces a crevasse.

      • go asleeply(?) into your world – and connect others'

      • Why does the world break open then? It's natural for reality to try and resolve its debts – to change – that means the end of this civilization.

      • Old world discarded

      • Tress has visions of future worlds?

        • old online name is dreamersomething

        • this is why to avoid the occult, 'they' are able to channel the energy via those teachings [10/3/24 actually at the end of the day there is nothing in it – just a big circle where you wind up where you started after finding nothingness]

        • Christianity & occult are close in that both deal with real forces
          

I am in pain again. I was afraid that, what if a fantasy with a woman satisfied this when nothing else did? What if I am a lesbian? That would be so disappointing, to face that reality.

Now N and I have texted and I feel it's a burden and a pain for him to talk to me, that he's maybe just being polite. There is a wall up for sure, that wasn't there when he first messaged me. N "N", as he's saved in my phone, sounds like a great character name. But he doesn't want to be part of my fantasy world. He's afraid of me and my devouring, consuming, demanding fantasy. He wants to do his research, be a warrior for truth, find a woman with dark eyes, and maintain control.