February 4, 2024 - denouement, 3 principles again

 2/4/24

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2424

I feel weird again today like I did on 1/22-23

–

(22- address

terror on 1/22

new eyes on 2/2)

22 is, supposedly, the “angel number” signaling imminent change.

And now a shadow of terror on 2424

Many people do – Z agreed.

Z said he felt like he was walking in a realm of demons on Friday – he framed it in Christian Church terms – demons, angels (Jesus did not teach this – this is paganism I think, or just the control system as it was rebranded at the time (spirits, animism → angels, demons

It's math – math is our only language for approaching the truth because it can describe the architecture of our “second pyramid” that we can't/aren't allowed to see) – but he also said it's an evil day, a liminal day.

I agree it's liminal – because of our psyche; we're tired from work and not really working; then on the weekend we put ourselves into a different state. It's in liminal places we can catch glimpses of the “otherness” of something.

F said he constantly feels weird, disquiet (“it's the nature of it to be hard to describe”).

L also said “it's weird not to feel weird” - this is true.

I suspect all my friends were just a step above me and I was blind, putting myself softly to sleep.

I can't keep holding onto N. I found a reddit account named Disquiet_Dreaming while I looked up some things on MDE. It immediately felt like him – this wide, relaxed mental expanse where one is free for endless exploration – it talked about vaporwave, a few online games, obscure media, current events. It felt like a soft, sweet mind. Every time I get too close to N I feel like I become too possessive, demand too much. Maybe he'll find love with another. He's done more for me than almost anyone but I must extricate N the man from this vision, this shadow world of silence and darkness, this beautiful lover who only grows and deepens in complexity. I cannot keep pining for him.

I feel myself to be at the place where now I can see things plainly with my eyes. Where I will always feel a little weird, disquiet, unsettled – as it should be while we're here on Earth. I feel like I've come out of the mud.

Whenever Charls comes on and starts talking he has this piercing, unnerving quality; and he blends into the background, into his environment. When it's this same neo-noir aesthetic it's positively electrifying – it's something else other than the words he's speaking – it's a place. And it's the place I see in the back of my mind.

–

I've changed my mind 180 on the the feeling and state of being nowhere, outside of any stream. What used to be my greatest torture and fear I now see as a liberation, knowing that all earthly paths are constructed. I suspected or felt this before, but it was colored by feeling divine. Now I know the feeling of divinity is a ruse. Now I see that all the earthly paths fall under the construct. Empty space begins at asking “what is it all for?” but then we resist hearing the answer by diving into yet another story. I don't need story or narrative, I don't need to be part of one.

–

I think the smartphone is the mark of the beast by the principle of 2 ½, or 2 ¾ would be better – wait … 2 2/3, 2.6667 – we expect the Biblical story to complete and see a 666 somewhere, or everywhere, or on our foreheads – but no, while we were looking for the resolution as a visual, it was slipped in; the thing itself was slipped in while we searched for its representation.

–

N brought me here, over the border into this vaporwave night world, but now the shadow is freed from him, freed from anybody. He skates all through this aesthetic world and I watch him for my life. I will never be married now. He is liberated. N is liberated and the ghost is liberated. It's painful, but it feels necessary, now, to begin the almost surgical process of extricating the ghost from the person of N. Past the silence and darkness through which the cadre of espionage actors and their unspoken methods cast their shroud over our world lies a broad realm of night, a black sky on the ground punctured by neon lights, yellow lamps and blue glows, lightening to a dark blue celestial heaven above; there as the God of stars flies all through it eternally it grows ever wider, through streaks of pink and violet, lilac, deep purple shades and veils and reams. It's an eternally expanding world. I am in that world now, I am in his mind, witnessing the aesthetic.

I have found a way to cope, to be back in this world. That world is always behind me, in me. Not any one song, or movie, or vignette – but so many of them that I see here connect, in my mind, to the vaporwave beautiful low resolution soft aesthetic. There we have love, real love, real erotic near-misses, almost-embraces, looks, moving past each other in various ways, beyond words but we can use words. It always is beautiful; it never becomes crude. When you come to me I don't even see your face. You don't have a face. Neither do I. We are both shadows.

It is hard to put all this into a coherent, presentable form. It comes from Earth and then it's difficult to bring it back down to Earth again. It is the same game of up and down, only we are free. Begins with simple human movements, colored flowers poking up against a dark sky. The gods pick them. They live out their full lives. They say their phrases. But they become too abstracted, too symbolic. They get stuck there. All the pain lies in the reaching up from Earth into the other realm to bring it down – all the symbols and cartoons and movements of divine intimacy get converted into pain, translate into pain on the way down. It is through pain if we are successful we bring them down by mimicking them, or by living them out. This is genuine human life. How is it different from life in the pyramid? It is, radically different. We don't need this pyramid, this slavery, this system; it needs us. This game has gone on ripping through the structure, tearing holes in it with the continued assertion of the human spirit, through every system.

–

How can you begin to explain the leap from survival, animal brain, to our feats of engineering, architecture, and so on? Humanity is made for this, not for survival, because when you remove the need to survive this is what people do. Nothing that makes us actually human is relevant to survival – this fact alone makes evolution quite a stretch.

What is it all for? It's all for nothing. It's all for the created paths for us to waste our energy in. Even love and marriage are concepts given to us to keep us in the pyramidal game – the ideal of earthly marriage! The one I cannot let go of. But it doesn't exist, really. It, too, is of Earth. I think we are made, holes ripped into perfect bodies for the shit and piss and cum – derogatory, degrading acts done upon us bring us down, humiliate us into accepting a lesser fate. That's why celibacy and spiritual marriage, spiritual sex, are to us closer to the truth. We don't, then, have to bring is down into food (drugs, then, are even more refined – illegal shortcuts for those who wish to substitute food – and why so many “glamorous” people, so many earth angels, are given to them – but the better adjusted cope is to turn food preparation into love and art and everything good – It's still a lesser endeavor that must be borne. Am I now, too, beneath a lie, degrading the derogatory material? It must be borne. Bearing it we are humbled, our god-status (and the god-status of the glamorous) knocked down – this is our eradication of Lucifer within us, the devil within us – I always come back to the thought of how revolutionary it was that Jesus was in the flesh, was man as we are. Because that is the real answer of why we are allowed to suffer this “humiliation” - this is the difference between ego and vanity, between the first and second principle – ego just sees it; vanity reacts to our predicament, becomes embarrassed by it – precisely because it can look back to ego's perfection. Ego has nowhere to look back to. The third principle is the looking itself – it cannot be seen; therefore we are blind to it.

We understand God perfectly – the first principle, we have a handle on perfectly. This is what is meant by God is Consciousness, what Buddha meant by realizing you are the Buddha already.

The second principle we spend our lives wrestling with. It is our earthly nature. And the mystery of why God let Lucifer defy him [and who Lucifer's “mother” is – Time], why he let evil exist [“evil' is also a valuation but it is of the devil to say that, because of this being our valuation, there is no such thing as evil; we cannot escape our valuation and become God; we must live with our valuation], the ugliness of our embodiment – ugly because of our vanity. Mastery over our vanity, over Lucifer – as embodied by Christ, who was embodied like we were, who washed his disciples' feet.

(In the up-and-down game, as also illustrated by musical scales, what feels like relief can be at the bottom but I think true relief, a hidden relief, is in the middle. Rest is in the middle. That is perfect acceptance of our human nature. A secret middle. And that is how mastery of the second principle [which we are partially blind to] is attained).

The third principle we can do nothing against. It is our blindness. We cannot see our own need for completeness. [our need for completeness is how we see, our seeing itself].

[just like each law has a realm, so do each of these principles have vast realms as well. Second principle's realm: all that falls under the purview of Earthly life. Third principle: our psyche itself].)

The main point is, I no longer am afraid to be nowhere, outside any story or stream. I even long for its freedom, freedom to just see, to be wide. These streams are tasks or trials given to one to build the soul – Blavatsky said that the more difficult one's life the more they are loved by God. [I see this phrase now in the context of us being created and “God” choosing souls to advance in his second pyramid by giving them constructed tasks of various kinds]. When you take away the shroud of mysticism, the apexal кайф, the concept of orgasm, you can see the streams and tasks for what they are (ribbons below the nowhereness), the emptiness and nowhereness for what it is – the beginning of our reality, of seeing our true predicament, outside the pyramidal structure.

I just think it's clear that sex is a mocking degradation of the up-and-down movement, and it mocks us because orgasm is everything to us – it's the body's illumination – and it mocks us because we practice this up-and-down game, this waste of our energy, this short-circuiting of real love that can develop between two people if you are patient and slow and abstain – instead of the non-physical one that it is a mockery of in the first place.

~

~

Smaller time cycles within larger time cycles.

Great Year:

We are in the Kali Yuga; within that, 1960's was a “Satya”, 2020 a kali yuga within kali yuga → fracturing of reality.

Saturday 1/20/2024 – Pluto and Sun both entered Aquarius → lead to visible cracks in the system?

(I still think this [planets] is all structured artificially, or much of it).

Angel numbers – what are they really? Patterns of threads or nodes in the structure that you can read or align yourself to. It's a mathematical structure. “They” use math. We (smaller, trapped beneath the conceptual cage) can study math to learn about the structure of the cage –

It math itself one of those temporary nonexistence bubble worlds we invent to access, from below, hidden truth above?

Math is insanity [in our world. Math is a construct of our world, or rather a construct made within our world, as an attempt to escape the bounds of our world. It isn't “objective reality” - it is us, trying to escape, into objective reality, through this vehicle of math] – insanity that helps us see our predicament – it's why so many mathematicians are a little kooky – their conceptual bonds are loosened. They can pull out novel relationships (the real magic is that these can fine meaning in our world – or rather change our world to suit their meaning. It seems like magic – but it's no. not when you look at everything from the top down, from the outside in. It's not magic – it's reality filtering in, different parts of reality. And since our world is a conceptually constructed one, of course that will change the shape of our world, logically. No magic to it. Just skill. Just us [humanity] stretching our minds to fit it in).

Math is just the beginning.

I think it's a big clue about the reality beyond our conceptual cage that in insanity it's very easy to make new connections that are meaningful – own worlds of meaning, just as math is to us here; meaning always feels the same. Significant, deep, as if many levels are perceived at once, as if there is something resonant there. But unfortunately most of them can't find a place in the structures of our world.

In loosening the conceptual binds [we are born into] one went too far, maybe got impatient, didn't orient or ground within “reality” (which is just your context). Being on the edge of where your own capabilities are about to leave this world – I think is genius.

it's very normal [read: commonplace] for whole worlds of meaning to appear, go unnoticed or even uncaught, then disappear.

Back into reality.