June 29, 2023 - Invisible Hand; Seekers of Truth; Genuine Human Life; Meat Grinder
June 29, 2023
Wish is a currency. To be born with a wish is a great gift. The dream of love and marriage was like being born with a big fat check for $1 million; I can cash it in for something huge – for real art. You sacrifice your wish to make real art; I work with people I love, would love to marry – by resisting that, giving up on the dream and focusing on the art, we could make something incredible.
I think creative men can marry less creative women; they can compartmentalize – have a wife who satisfies the earthly pleasures and occasionally work with a muse. They don't need to be married to their creative partner. In fact many, or most, would prefer not to be (it's more challenging in that it's constantly charged and less conventional, more unpredictable, and anyway, what most creative men need is stability). Creative women can't do this; their husband has to be their creative partner, or a creative partner. Or it has to be God.
Another thing N said which stuck with me: he doesn't like art whose purpose is to make you feel a certain way. Directed or purposeful art.
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If you do any close reading, try to piece together what really happened through stories told, you are bound to see that there is an invisible hand. And the repetition of mechanisms used suggests an unbroken tradition.
Background patterns have been grafted onto people; psychological methods that have molded our psyches. They feel natural, even ancient. But we provide so much data on our own mechanics that new tendencies can now much more easily be programmed into us.
The tendency to mythologize, even our own lives/events/localities. In reality this is pattern, a method of perception which removes historicity and obscures fact of what happened. What is myth by encryption? Beauty worked into encryption. The most elegant encryption.
The feeling of destiny, of myth, is addicting and seductive – precisely because it liberates us from the weight of the world, from responsibility and detail. Why people who believe they are mermaids always seem insane; they've allowed that large a break from reality/actuality.
We also get to indulge in repetition this way
Introspection – turning to find the source, the answer, in word, in us, blaming ourselves rather than making connections about our externalities.
The sense of mission – this one has been used a long time and seems less prevalent now as art in general has less structure and more simple trance-like repetition.
I cannot elucidate any of these theories without discussing N,what he did and my feelings for him. Perhaps for him this was all escape. The robe of secrecy within my theories – it stems from his secrecy with me – though he did also open up. He was only secretive about his real life and about his intentions or feelings with me. Or said, he couldn't give an answer – which is a fair answer. Secrecy is one's right and no reason to cut someone out of your life... but it doesn't have a place in marriage.
He provided context for me to place School of Breaking into. He's the only person I've told that it's really about my time in intel, stems from that purely. The way he's placed my raw experiences into the wider context of how our world works, combined with my own abilities and the way they'd perceived those experiences (encoding them, hiding them from myself, my own consciousness, by turning them into children's tales, convoluted, symbolic stories, because I don't have the right material, understanding, to explain them consciously; because people use beauty and art to lie to themselves) automatically placed the people, events, and relationships there into fictional characters. In that was encoded information and relationships I didn't know I'd perceived, secret to me. Though it is obfuscation/a lie, it is a powerful tool for encoding information complexly, for preserving, compressing complexity. The mechanism of encoding is itself the illustration of what it's trying to say, of what it encodes (the medium is the message): spycraft. The way of encoding in this children's story illustrates the mechanism and structure of a spycraft that is actual in our world, and this symbolism contains encoded information on what is actually happening.
And what is that? The “chaos magic” within intel organizations, the pact with chaos magic that powers them, their “religion”.
the headmaster is Godfrey → free of God
he is a king yet a jester, a king in a jester's hat
the teachers (the leaders of training) are capricious and inscrutable demigods. Their principles and lessons, their methods, are unclear. They use plausible deniability.
They teach despicable arts
they don't teach real knowledge (e.g math)
they teach Emmanuelle (deconstruction, which is also a basis/teaching of chaos magic).
They divide students/people into those who have awareness of the hidden mechanics, and those who don't
Emile's family → simple, naive peasants, the salt of the Earth, who know nothing about how the world really works
castle/students of Lom → first level initiates
those who live in the castle and follow its rules, take them straightforwardly. As Dorian, says, “bullshit for people like Barton” (ritual, low level intel (FBI)). Yet, the goal is to keep the castle running smoothly; Godfrey's goal is to continue teaching and training people.
Bar (Clown and Bard) → inner circle of initiates
prospective future teachers, kings, queens, orchestrators, bartender/gatekeeper
teachers/gods/masters – they are the system
Insider on the outside – Emile, the wild card, in the game but exempt due to some special knowledge or ability coupled with placement
appeared by “accident”
Wanderer – the invisible hand, that which identified Emile and brought her there. Like the invisible hand, it is difficult/impossible to pinpoint, conceptualize, trace. It appears as God (can only see her back), as light, as Emile's fantasy and weakness (Godfrey says: “weakness for weakness.” His beloved role (jester's hat) for Emile's letters to her confidante of insecurity (Wanderer). Even Godfrey is not aware of it, of the Invisible Hand. He didn't know why he chose Emile.
The story contains more information than I am consciously aware of because I subconsciously ordered them in an internally logical way.
Example: ascribing multiple meanings to many things [7/6/24 now I know this is transposition, as CS Lewis described, and would make sense to have done about a system I couldn't see. One of our greatest achievements could be an elegant transposition of the higher – a system that adds meaning not heretofore seen and when taken back up also changes the level above, adds to it, while remaining in harmony with its rules]. One example: Emile leaving Lom in the end once the mythologized teachers become human and Godfrey gives her the physical address of the bar:
she has burned through it, conquered it, and has no more left to learn; it's time to move on. She has become disillusioned with the fantasy.
This is the interpretation most tempting to take
but this is of my pattern: becoming disillusioned with a fantasy and later finding another that seems to sweep me up from a different angle (such as sailing); falling out, losing touch, because I rush to an end, to a conclusion.
Letov said you can never get off the elevator, that the greatest thing someone can do for another is to put them back on the elevator. I think this is what N did for me. He put me back onto the path of knowledge.
The physical address made it all real. The fantastical, abstract, intangible, has become tangible and human. There's a sense of completion of a cycle.
There's a satisfaction to seeing the “human” version of Godfrey because we have a yearning to demystify, which I now see makes sense in the context of our subconscious, automatic tendency to mystify.
Third meaning I was not aware of before now: Emile hears them speak in the bar very plainly. Their language no longer has double meanings and they talk about mundane concerns → she has been kicked out. Upon leaving, she is no longer able to understand them.
She has been give the physical address. On the one hand, this is a reward. This is her “true” certificate. She has passed, completed the courses. She can pretend that it never existed, that it existed in a magical realm only, she can leave it as a mystery.
On the other hand, her reward is a mere trinket, masked to look valuable. It looks valuable because it plays into the structure of her story [that is, to her sense of and yearning for completion]. And where does this structure even come from? Is it “intrinsic to nature”?
Often nonsleepers are “crazy” but now I think that that crazy is a necessity, the waste product of our price paid for encoding – a mathematical consistency. For instance, the brain's ability to lie to itself is a huge gift that may create symbolism subconsciously, encode a cast amount of information... and in their ordinary life they may be a huge liar. They never balance out. There is always a remainder.
There are many people like N who could have corrected my mind, given me the right information, pointed me toward history and the prevalence of the occult and how it looks and works in our world – but I wouldn't have heard. There was another level, because I had such strong feelings for him, that allowed for information to be communicated on another level simultaneously. And there are many men with clarity, but the love fairy visited N, and not them. I – or through me – presented him with the 3rd path (out of solitude, life stepping out of solitude).
But this is my perspective; from his, there is nothing that he can leave solitude for (or he just isn't attracted to me. I don't know because N is simultaneously very just a normal dude with intelligence and arrogance and human weaknesses, and extremely strange, idealistic, ruled by his head, by thoughts, by principles, by goals. He can be in a crowd and blend in but he's apart. He really matched my level – this shouldn't go unappreciated because it's an extremely crucial detail to understanding him that I ought to spend more time contemplating).
The path out of solitude is into real human life. From all this processing I have reached a theory: there are only three real living things in this world that are worth anything, three active components, three forces/spaces that exert direct action upon reality:
the unbroken tradition of the invisible hand
the seekers of truth
genuine human life
As far as see it (and I can barely see it), these are the only three real actors, real active forces, in our reality, our world. Or in what connects humanity to reality. Everything else is fodder for the meat grinder and/or servants of the invisible hand.
The Unbroken Tradition of the Invisible Hand
The least fleshed out and most elusive, by necessity, by design. The true “behind the scenes rulers” of this world. You can't see them, you wouldn't be able to recognize them (more on this later). The secret society that needs no symbolism or ritual. You (I) can only glimpse them as the invisible actors missing from the stories of history (maybe sometimes they show up, like Blavatskaya). Their tools are those of reality. They contain the ruling tradition that has been passed on, unbroken, that, again, can only be glimpsed between lines. I believe one key to them is Hermeticism – this rings out to me, seemed right to me, and isn't the obfuscation that “chaos magic” is. Reading between the lines, if you have the mental framework, would suggest the presence of an unbroken tradition in this world whose tools are, and form, our backdrop; thus we (normal people) can't see them.
They stand behind the gaudiness of freemasonry or any secret society. They are not in symbols but in codes of conduct, in methods of communication (the way I felt N communicate with me at points ties into this).
They don't directly have the power, e.g. control over nuclear weapons; their power is more subtle [otherworldly], to steer the control over nuclear weapons. The power of slipping in and out of doors normal people can't even see.
Who can see those doors? Those who control banks, and weapons, those who are high up in secret societies; but to my mind, they are merely the highest rung in the meat grinder.
And are seekers of truth, if they do their job
to most people, they are God, because they are invisible, or their unbroken tradition the source of those things which seem fantastical because their origins have been made invisible – and to the meat grinder is given all manner of myth, new age philosophy, feelings of sanctity. There is Creation, which is the true what we'd call God (and where all real paths/religious teachings derive their source from (?)), and which illustrates laws (genuine human life I think is important for distinguishing between the laws of creation and the false, fantastical laws of false gods).
It is possible some people are natural initiates, and must be scooped up to avoid going rogue?
The invisible hand guards Agartha; the Seekers of Truth are trying to find Agartha; the human path doesn't know about/care about/need/believe in Agartha [because they are capable of creating Eden with a human touch, through Christ].
The Seekers of Truth
Also invisible people. They can be anyone.
People from the pool of “normal people” who – it's not merely that they want to know the truth; it's a class of its own [a force of its own, that must be maintained like Ariadne's thread]. A distinction from normal human life. It's an invisible realm. They can recognize each other by mind.
It's being set apart. Requires solitude. What you can reach within solitude. Like the first category, hard for me to explain.
They may have had contact with those of the invisible hand. The invisible hand, if it recruits, would recruit from among them. They may be trying to get in.
seekers of truth give up an earthly life (dissolving), turn their back on it, to remain in this nowhere, gray, nothing realm and pay attention to it.
they, too, are an order, have perhaps built/established their order (The Seekers of Truth) in this place.
The realm of genuine human life needs nothing to do with the invisible hand or seekers of truth. They don't need to know about them at all. The problem is that genuine human life actually does need them – the Seekers of Truth – it just doesn't need to know they're there.
Without the Seekers of Truth – those who are elucidating the situation on Earth – genuine human life would disappear – it would be subsumed by the meat grinder, lost to nothing.
To this end, it feels like the invisible hand doesn't have total control over the meat grinder's happenings; its lackeys have taken hold of too much power, esoteric power, and are destroying life on Earth.
The Seekers of Truth must keep watching, searching for, the Invisible Hand – which of course remains hidden. They find and then use its same methods, find how to recognize them, find how to find their paths. For they are the truth.
This is why/how N showed a method of simultaneous coded communication to me – keeping me in a situation of plausible deniability with us while we discussed, in words, the plausible deniability within the occult when it appears in our world. I felt, after all was said and done, that he initiated me into the Seekers of Truth by showing me a real method of communication, or how to read communication, or that real communication occurs in the background. He shone a light on this background, between the lines level for me, where his mind, essence, really lives.
I felt, after all was said and done, that N himself was initiated. I may even know how, had suggested it to myself even before we met; and he had to pass it onto me. He had wanted to pass on his experiences, or their essence.
The Seekers of Truth and Genuine Human Life are separate realms. It's as he himself said: “there's another place you can go.”
“what's the place?”
“solitude”
If the Seekers of Truth stop looking, stop searching, stop keeping their eyes on it, it disappears. We saw a road sign, in front of an ophthalmologist's office: “ignore your vision and it will go away.”
The logo was just a wide open eye that looks like the eye of Horus. We both saw the same three meanings:
the literal: neglect your eyesight and you will lose it; visit your ophthalmologist
Just close your eyes, ignore what you see around you and it will all go away, all the bad stuff will go away. Take the blue pill.
Ignore your vision, what you've seen, what you find, and it will disappear, you will lose it, lose hold on it, the vision will cease to be. To keep it alive you must keep looking, keep your eye open, keep your eye upon it.
It must be said that it was I who brought us to some interesting places via intuition, by looking at a map.
Another function of the Seekers of Truth is that they elucidate the methods of the invisible hand, and then use those methods to elucidate further methods, pierce further into its world. (I don't yet have an area of study; I am merely describing in a general and roundabout way, but truth is specific. What I do know is that N has removed me from the fog; I cannot be undirected. After our trip, and still to this day, everybody looks as if they're in the meat grinder, in ignorance, in the land of empty speaking and lack of knowledge. A few people are really doing something – that is, living genuine life).
Genuine Human Life
This is what the battle – the cosmic battle – is really for. Genuine human life is accessible to anyone. It's anyone's right. It's what is meant by self-development: a real, full life. But it is dependent upon resources. It requires land, sea, education, capability, love, drama, battle, ideal, and the traditions of knowing: music, math, language, trade and craft. It encompasses so much – the wealth of earthly life – and all pathways across the earth. It is the flourishing of the human soul. You don't have to be anyone special to access it.
Gurdjieff, a Seeker of Truth, “stepped out” to bring his system into the world for this path, for genuine human life (they are parallel streams).
In The Gray Sea, the sailors are the Seekers of Truth, and joining Death as a True Sailor is commitment to that path (Death is of the Invisible Hand?) by turning one's back on life on earth (the Earth is covered with pathways for our development – the Earth itself is crucial for genuine human life, and the very reason why it's accessible to all and every man's right (women – are an entirely different entity altogether; women are, at core, devotion, and, I believe, subject to different spiritual rules; but they (we) see the world, life, reality, through the eyes of the man we love – and that's what we talk and write about – or we become mothers. Or we become devoted to God. This is another avenue I must explore: the formless reality of the woman – the unknowable feminine core. The lost half of reality. The “dark side of the moon”. Dark matter. I can't unsee it: all that women do, perceive, takes form through men. All they talk about is for the man's world. The manifest world is of men; the unmanifest is of women. This time I have is a gift. This nowhere of mine – because I am a woman – is a gift: something must be made manifest. Realizing this, I feel at peace. I even feel my core problem (failure to attain unity through love) solved, explained, made sense of. I am alone here to write this all down – a singular chance while I have it. Of course I could only love a man who sets me aside. A woman with talent must necessarily be set aside, held in a limbo, a gray area – such is the difficulty of her existence: the need to both be a woman and bring something out! I think my tripartite theory does not as strictly apply to women; women of any background are essentially the same. Class and society don't matter to women, doesn't touch their core.)
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N chose me and not a “traditional” woman; he harbors another benevolent wish – for women to be understood. His heart is tender, and filled with love for the weak and invisible of this world, for the hidden, where it's human life that's hidden beneath blindness and ignorance. It rests so deep, in an inaccessible realm (except through certain actions that occur at that level) that on the surface he is liable, no, more than likely, to be perceived as cold, wooden, strange.
He just wants to know the truth. Know, and reveal to people. His heart is the counterpart to mine, and I must always hold it tenderly, never think badly of it, assume harsh intentions or cold and callous actions, the actions of the blind. He is not blind. I should be flattered beyond belief, and humbled, and never forget or diminish or treat harshly the spiritual gravity of our connection. That is, I really ought to calm and relax the suspicions around my own heart).
Mostly everyone seems blind about what they do and why they do it – and they end up doing, at best, a lot of nothing. Diminishing access to genuine human life has this result – people do nothing.
The key aspect of genuine human life is that, even with having no mysticism, no symbolism, or “occult magic”, or any need for it, action along it can directly impact reality (actuality); the average person can impact reality by being on a right path and avoiding the meat grinder. By engaging in genuine human life, a person diminishes the ruling power of the invisible hand.
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Our world at present is the meat grinder, and almost anywhere we are is the meat grinder. Many things, trinkets, pieces from either of the three can slip into it – this is a “rift in the matrix”.
The meat grinder, because it sits outside the living forces, is a void that only takes, saps; energetic void.
3 pointed meat grinder
Signs of the invisible hand/seekers of truth/even genuine human life can appear as irregularities in patterns: the well-dressed elderly couple who walks into the dive bar at midnight.
A rapper who is genuine speaks a coded message, who appears in the slew of industry plants, who slipped through the cracks.
They - “they” - can only be recognized by their behaviors, which the uninitiated person wouldn't even be able to see.
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going to make a blog with my ideas: s.--
“s” is for nothing
sign off as s → this is also symbol/code making, because it hides
my identity, my essence: it's (s) is not tied to my essence or life
path. s is an empty letter for me.
s is the perfect place for me to hide because it isn't “me” - but
it fits within the idea of --, which is tied to me.
In other words, symbols made should be indirect in order to hold something involuntarily.
wordplay is very important here
language, linguistics, alphabet
I think this is a real tool of reality, and not the symbol/ritual we've been given and are taught
The problem is that in the meat grinder, the real symbology – its methodology – is mixed in with the fake in a way that is indecipherable/indistinguishable, and we aren't given a key.
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I'm way too intense for N, or anybody. I've written half a diary of theory since talking to him as a cope instead of being able to flirt and it must be hard to be around. How do I be less intense? Exercise. I must finish writing this, though.
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Unknown language is the bridge to the invisible hand
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Once again I veer toward the tendency to couch in myth and abstraction. To create this symbology, this “law of three”-esque cosmic relationship. But it isn't cosmic. If it is missing the grounding of two simple truths: 1) the truth of class, 2) the truth that the “invisible hand” is the zionist Jew faction, or largely.
I don't want to write a children's story that further obfuscates what's happening, but you can't say (and it isn't effective to) that the Jews are the invisible hand and responsible for the suffering of the common man. Symbolism and myth are powerful tools, especially to motivate people to seek and act – to move along a genuine human path.
(The unbroken tradition of the invisible hand may not be one faction but a place – a level where the true tools of reality are accessible and reside: poetry bypasses consciousness; so does music; math, few can see; language, we swim in; dance – gets around language.)
-- has a theory that the U.S. and Russia used to be one country connected by the strait and England conquered it; and only old northeastern families know this. Because everything to the east of Moscow was, 2-300 years ago, a great mystery to Europeans.
Who has held access to the occult secrets, traditionally? Old families. The upper class. There is strong overlap.
It's the middle class that doesn't know what to do with money and has no manners. The upper class are different people; they have manners, behaviors. That is their secret knowledge, and not, as much, money (personal, liquid, cash wealth).
The middle class is susceptible to myth precisely because they have no education, no trace of family. They are not taught to have family pride, but it is the most important thing (for the world, for wealth). This emptiness is filled by myth – by symbol. This forgetfulness makes the middle class vulnerable to be tools of the occult. Rather have legend than myth, legend contains fact, can contain family lineages. Myth is totally abstracted.
I can't write about this anymore. I have to move on. These are all the thoughts I had, anyway.
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I feel ashamed, deeply ashamed, reading through all I've written since the trip. It's delusional, all of the theory – all I have approached with is from a place of fulfilling my deepest wish though N, what he can do for me. This is the source of my pain. Now I've no more pain. I saw it like an ugly, spikey ball in the middle of my thought, making my heart ugly. N is selfless. Giving. Protective. And I've just been a woman, perpetually wanting, saying I'm not mad, but giving nothing, not even the offer to be there for him should he be in a time of need.
The desire for my dream of selfless mutual love is what prevents me from ever attaining it, and always has. I come to them not with a wish but a want.
Wish turns into desire as it falls from the heart to the earth.
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