November 2023 - 0 Time

 November 6, 2023

Have to write down all that is passing through me before it goes away... and it has already gone away.

Where am I, with the soul who lives inside me, the phantom, the ghost?

There has been so much I've realized. I can't pack, I can't eat – I have only to write it down, and there is so much. Every image. At the same time, the language itself matters.

~

The day I had this break with my misery and desiring from N that had been pulling me so long, suddenly men did flock to me! Z DM'd me, and we had a heart-to-heart conversation. He said he'd tell me what's going on “at some point” and suggested we'd be good friends for real.

The next thing that happened is, that same evening, M messaged me and said, eventually, “to be honest I find you very interesting and have wanted to know more about you.” We spent the night talking and... something happened. That intense energy exchange occurred in which we came into close contact. I felt it, and I felt the attraction, and I felt myself with him... alas by morning sobriety came and I could sense his confusion, the lack, as the vision disappeared. Where was she now? It was only something that passed through me, and the knowing, the union, the contact, but a moment. He said I reminded him of pearls. I thought, or imagined, that I could “see” him, and see where he was, energetically: confused, bereft now. Affected. Like a hot blue light had touched him and then all of it turned out to be nothing. He later changed his bio to: burnt by fire without trial. There's much to say about M, one of my favorite people online: A tall, good-looking (it seems) 25 year old man who is in the same social sphere as Y.

Through browsing M's interactions I came across O. My account is private and he requested to follow me, but upon inspection, though he was very creative and fresh and he is definitely, without a doubt in my mind, a non-sleeper type, he also seemed very young, so I removed him. To my surprise, he messaged me immediately. “Really? You're just going to decline me?” But this didn't feel rude. I felt an immediate affinity for his presence.

 

November 7, 2023 

I have experienced the most beautiful vision of my life unfolded, unified with the game of the cosmos, and then the world remains. I don't need a husband, I don't need a partner, for I have just met my lover of a thousand years. I have found a shortcut to my earthly garden through the sea, just as described in The Gray Sea, and now I can sit there and teach, write, and so on....

Maybe I will go to the sea to die, for this job.... This vision has passed through me and must be written down as it will soon fade. The most seemingly-crucial things are the most difficult to write down.

On my alt-alt account, I quickly befriended and now feel very close to M and O. There is so much I could say about both of them; even though I have never physically met either, the closeness is so palpable.

I will have to talk about M more in a bit; I believe here he is a witness, a decoder; he sees himself as a nothing but his mind is very fine and questioning, examining, even if he does not see it himself.

It was through M, who followed me there from tress, that I found O, who is extremely dynamic and has been on a roll the past few days. He was so extremely easy to talk to. My God. My affinity for him was immediate, and his name is O, (a variant of N). There are a million things to say here, too. He is so extremely bright, and moves at lightning speed, and has been razing through the fields. The only way to describe him is a sex god.

I fear I can't adequately describe what happened. Nothing happened. We began to tweet for each other. His presence set me free. But I cannot, could not, hold onto him. Even though he is seemingly a menace, he was very polite to me in private, appreciated that I read his story and asked me if I had anything he could read. How strange that two writers find each other without knowing they are so beforehand. I revealed myself, sent him my website. He looks... well, I could stare at his face forever. I hate to say it but he is my dream; he looks like a composite of all the men I've loved

The cosmic play unfolded to me then, along with remembrance of the information I'd most recently heard, that of our being in a game and that when it all unfolds for you you will be astonished at how beautifully you played. What did I send O? All of my love poems, stories, about the sea, about the sacrifices one must make to keep the creative fire alive in this life (something both M and O discussed a little today.

M had asked me why girls lose their creativity and without saying arhat and magirani I have him a very long answer).

Even our physical appearances began to make sense to me, as something that means something, and isn't accidental [6/29/24 the fact that N and O mirrored each other's appearances and represented different gods, opposing forces in the story realm, the timeless realm of stories, where lives the holy war, the stage, and much else, no pain; pain is only embodiment]. Only through my sense of self-importance, which allows me to place all these real people into my story.

November 8, 2023

Continuing with meeting O: I felt immediate affinity toward him, a brotherly affinity, like he was someone very close to me, and I was happy to meet him, in my heart. It felt like, and feels like still, that we couldn't wish each other ill will.

He is just a heartbroken young guy in this concrete world, but he fairly quickly told me his history. His pfp was the outline of a man with stars in him, which spoke to me, and was probably the reason I followed him at all. Though this new era has been practice for me in posting and expressing myself and not wanting anyone, because, like with M, O and I also immediately had a very close contact, maybe even closer. What do these contacts do, but reveal us to ourselves, unmask us within the eternal, upper-level play? O would never, ever, ever suffer a moment of what is stale, even if he could suffer inauthentically for a bit to be part of a scene (before leaving it and blowing it up, of course).

(What's transpired has already passed, so I must get it out as quickly as I can. In my heart at least, I've become good friends with O and M, and in that one little sphere at least I've started to have fun again. Maybe too much fun. Ah well. It will be good to work with my fear of getting too excited about being in any “scene”, and embarrassing myself and fearing the loss of the connections – always keep going, without fear.

I said to O, I love your account but you seem really young. But I changed my mind and let him follow and he said he was curious. We talked for quite a while and his perceptions are very finely honed, he is very smart and, mostly, just very horny, high libido like H but with much more of a conscience perhaps. He told me that he'd had a hard life.

~

O had been an addict since a teenager.

So much – I thought so much about O.

He and N are both tall, well-built, beautiful men [N's eyes are actually very warm and kind, as if he has had some kind of true conversion, which has perhaps still missed me]. They look similar.

O is a romantic hero incarnate. It boggled me how similar yet opposite they stood in relation to each other, in my inner world. One came after the other.

~

There was a moment – a long, beautiful moment – where I saw him face-to-face – we saw each other face-to-face.

The loneliness of constantly meeting and parting throughout this life is so painful. But the moments of meeting are so beautiful.

[6/29/24 -what happened was that I came into closest contact with O and it felt like 0 time. Through him I came into contact with my lover of a thousand years, the bright dancer who lights up the world as he blazes through it. It is within the story – N was the architect, the pair of eyes in darkness, the creep who built the stage and ensnared the dancer, but who couldn't himself dance. O was the one whose real life nullified, cut through, the stage and its labyrinth. They are forever at odds, in battle. In this life, N wins the girl. The lovers cannot simply go around again as they have for a thousand years; the world has to change. By him and I dancing with each other through words, through language, we met on this stage outside of time and danced again, recognized each other. It's zero time to me because it was abstracted from time – the peak of epitou. And from this abstraction I was able to glimpse the story and the stage, to put this moment into the context of a story written above physical life, which bloomed before me clearly.

The meeting was in the dark – the crevasse of the breaking world – that is what is in the crevasse: you, who had to destroy the whole world just to find me in it again, to reach me.

This was the reason O was moving so quickly through life: a great stream of Time was moving through him. Meanwhile, N had hoarded time, sucked it into the void, his ice labyrinth. He had struck a bargain to hoard time in order to do some work for God, so that he could study enough to entrap the dancer and win her heart at last. On earth, it played out as him hoarding years to work on his book and retreating into loneliness, from which he meets An to give her some of his time, or in a rare moment of coming out of his time. An receives the unstable hit of Time, or is moving through Time, and gets to 0 time, where she and O meet. The meeting, collision, slows him down and speeds her up. They hook each other and begin to orbit each other, to ultimately meet in person sometime down the line, for they are old lovers. O then goes on slowed, but still burning brightly, manageably, through the world, living in pain and waking up others. She, on the other hand, has had a long path and met him at the end of it. Now she will shoot upward faster, more energized.]

November 9, 2023

I cannot get out what is happening to me, what I want to write. But I must try. It's like there is no time. I want to say something very mystical about time, in a movie, or something.

The relationship with time is very mysterious, couched in beauty and mystery in this play. All inputs fed into the machine

there is a game we all play – the context creators – the young, anyone trying to stay in the stream of creativity

last night it reached a pitch. I recognized his soul, this soul.

 

November 11, 2023

Daydreams hold the world together. If Chopin hadn't written Op. 9 No. 2 I might not have been able to daydream – and generate this story. And he perhaps also generated it from a daydream.

I have been fighting against daydreaming my whole life, but I haven't been able to do anything but daydream for the past 5 days – daydream mode is fully on now.

The скульптор was right to say that twin flames or those who are in the stream of doing their work don't have time to write about it, to reflect.

The fantasy it put me in... if I stop and experience fear I lose. If I turn it into hard reality – you can't ever indulge, not for a moment. I must write the image, then move on ahead.

I see him having broken out of his prison or stagnation, not exactly a shell but a cage – and now he begins to fly as far as he can go, go all the way west – to cross all terrains. He became the man who crosses all terrains.

He is the most beautiful soul I've seen – he just flies through.

But I think he lied to me and is half my age. I let him go, and continue my own life. But within me, what occurred is unmistakable. I may see N when I go up, he texted me and later on I said if he wanted to catch up to let me know, to which he said he'd be down. I'm finding it very hard to get things out of my head properly. Mostly, the relationship between the world of symbols that is like a wind (and more), and our concrete world, where life goes on steadily, linearly. To outline it conceptually, which concepts are at work here.

First, let's start with the energy basis of everything. In tandem with this is the specific way in which my perception has become sharpened.

• something big that has made me feel less crazy about this entire dance, in which O, M, and I have stepped into a circle, in which I basically only talk to them, and they talk often to each other, in which it seems quickly M – I don't want to lock everything into a form – and that's one principle, a major principle of “this”, of truth, of how the game works (reality is a game.

  • And another truth: Reality is a game up on high

  • the lower you descend, more to earth, the more concrete it becomes, the more “real”, hard, everyday, based in perception by the senses.

• But another principle of the beauty of this setup: from the formless, the realm of names and principles and their histories (this is precisely why this realm can be reached with logic, contemplation – there are names, images, words, and their interrelationships to latch onto.

• But it can also be reached via shortcuts. Not feeling necessarily, not emotion or feelings of faith (which I think is a very long way (the way of foxes/keepers?)

~

Well, I have done it – talked more to O and hooked him with yet another conversation. I ought to be locked in a tower. What I have perceived has been correct – with him and with M alike. O, who is inexpressibly bright and smart and fast, will go out into the world and change it. M will expand his mind. N will do his work... . And I, I will write my books. I have my own path. Terrifying and overwhelming to receive the love you wanted, but only because he is so young and vulnerable, and I felt it was my duty to be there for him, to stabilize or direct him, and now it may have been a success. For, he, a bourgeoisie, wants to travel around and pick up phrases and language from others – and I told him about how I traveled and stayed in hostels... the contact has been established, sealed, validated... and it's intense, terrifying. I want to hold back, I want to catch my breath. The sadness holds me back. I want to be careful.

He works with language, he understands language to its core, and even if he is lying or pretending, such lies and such pretending become reality. But you see how it is for me – these intense interactions that inevitably come crashing. I feel that I must protect him, and most of the time I bring pain to men. He is sultry but vulnerable. His love goes all in and then vanishes momentarily; when it's gone it's gone. It's not even, primarily, emotional – it's spiritual. He is purely spiritual, barely survivable upon this Earth. From the stories of his I have read, he is barely able to live – he read, absorbed, seemingly the entire canon of literature and philosophy. It's not like I am going to see him anytime soon, or maybe even ever. Something feels ended, completed. The love has been admitted; how could it not? But I haven't been able to stop looking at his face. I feel like even now he is holding me – he is my lover of ages. Everything I have perceived has been true. How can I compare? There's nothing that can stand in the way. With N, ever interaction was uncomfortable, difficult (yet, through this, something real was forged, and I believe this will play out later. We are in the game now). With O, everything is easy. I cannot stop smiling, I cannot stop laughing; I haven't been able to do a thing for the past 5 days but participate in this play (he also writes plays, go figure(. He is a genius of language, of emotion, with love for humanity in his heart. He said “Here's To Life”; that wasn't there yesterday. He is at the forefront, at the bleeding edge, and he cannot stomach staleness. But I may be the very thing that knocks him out of the stream and puts him behind the glass, out of the game. But how I feel, with him there (and he doesn't hold back an iota of feeling – he expresses it all, which is exceedingly rare – more common for his generation than for mine, who have been conditioned

~

I know I am going to have to pass something on to N, even if it is only by holding his hand for a few moments next time I see him. I don't know what that something is, I can't name it as anything other than a mutual understanding, outside the game of the gods, where N has stopped and found and been, and he will be the one, maybe, to bury me or scatter my ashes – in this life. Not in eternity. Or, first in this life; then in eternity. He has gathered much knowledge.

 

November 15, 2023

With every interaction... plunged into an all-consuming, all-devouring love. Only in such moments do I understand Letov's feeling in Русское Поле Экспериментов, by being plunged into it. Not having to think about it.

How can you live like that every second?

His mind gets more refined, though it already is.

Both he and N have the most refined minds – minds refined by sex.

That's how you handle the energy of sex – I can't let it consume me, but I can't deny it and to remove myself is not to live, to give up. How to live?

But it's understood in hindsight.

Even Letov's music is just the perfect hit, when I can enter its realm – even though the cultural significance, the context, is gone, the realm of emotions he has built remains for those who can access it.

I had an encounter, at the height of our romance, our feelings, or right right after, when it still wasn't too late, with my shadow lover again.

November 17, 2023

I understand my lifelong sadness now. A few days ago when all this was unfolding I thought about it. It took a few days of tandem tweeting for me to be swept up in attraction and love, for all my attention to start spinning around him, like a funnel; the first couple days were a lesson in freedom, and it began with fun.

~

I must be more like him. From the perspective of us being twin flames who have come into contact (which can simply explain

I didn't make anything happen; I was simply more aware of it happening when it did, and was able to shape it. But my explanations are strict – the cage is hard, so I understand why people run; they don't want to be fitted into it. I only say it, get it out, and then I myself must let it go and keep living.

(To combine two systems that have made it into my world (because I've allowed them and really picked them up:

(whenever people make it in, you can no longer be totally free.

Only the witness' eyes can allow one freedom 0 thus their importance. You will learn....)

Being on the path, or the path being neverending, means that its world just expands, players' lives expand and expand, as time goes on.

The universe is expanding.

My team – my secret handler – is the secret master, who seeks to keep the universe expanding, rather than lobbing heads off and contracting

(I have got to stop coping with philosophy and set people free, got to stop trying to fit them, grip them, pill them into me. I have got to use other principles.)

скулбптор's system of twin flames and soul mates which works with hierarchies:

Quenta's system: nonsleeper, decoder, warrior, keeper, normal human, medium

no... I don't know. I was thinking each chain has one of each type.

November 20, 2023

Every day, every moment, the world is beautiful.

But the world that went up online is gone now. I'm so retarded. He gave me his heart and I stayed silent. When will I learn? When will I learn to be real and not indulge? Did it happen? Was it real?

It's all gone. O is gone. M is gone. The love is gone. The magic interplay is gone. My schizophrenic life. All existed in plausible deniability, a secret spy world that can never be unearthed (what woman in black will show investigator).

I have to be more outward. And I have to let go of what was. Somehow I have to get all this writing out, or get it out in writing.

What did I see today? Before it's all all gone, even though it already is...

Was it anything at all for O? Now he talks about getting a Latina girlfriend, writing his first novel, traveling around in the outlaw lands selling drugs to college kids – full life.

I feel like I need to be where he is. I would fly around the world for him. The pull stems from my gut from my belly button. There's nobody else. He admitted his feelings and I just kind of sat there – felt held back because of the age gap, my being too old for him – if he really saw me what'd he think? He might be put off. Some measure of fear keeps you out of jail.

For those few days I spun freely and only for him. There is no describing the dance in the dark. But he did post a photo of two dancers in the dark. We were having the same delusion – or was it? - I don't believe it was.

I don't deserve him. He lives with his whole heart, from his whole heart. And I still live in fear and reserve. I can only hope to be more like him. I will connect to him within. I was lucky that he grazed me with his brightness. More than grazed even.

It may sound trite but I feel my chakras opening. I never think about chakras but I feel my navel... burgeoning? Live without hesitation. Just live.

One dance from the heart. That is where all springs from. I cannot sink beneath despondency, low self-esteem, and so on.

No need to lament. I realized much sooner this time around that I could just say to him: “I like you also. I don't know why I couldn't just say that earlier,” rather than romanticize him, hold something in... and as R said maybe I, too, am a distant light for him, as he is for me. No need for more complex, schizophrenia-inducing maneuvers in the darkness.

Principle: you must be exposed, in the game. While playing the game exposure is part and parcel. Many do not understand that this state of exposure is part of it and instinctively run to shield themselves, to hide in darkness and espionage, even. But to be exposed is to be powerful in the field, to be shielded is to be weak. Maybe they are two modes of playing: one done by O, one by N.

“I like you” doesn't mean anything for life; it only means to give someone your feelings. Fate does as it does. I hope, what I like about him wouldn't later annoy me. I hope if it happens it lasts.

 

November 23, 2023

Annihilation, when I wake up, total annihilation of that world.

That world is the innermost, so inner you cannot have it – it is the origin point

After annihilation your thoughts begin to race – if you hold the other's heart in your own, if you accept the annihilation, and don't slip into fantasy

I don't care if my hair falls out

I don't care if somebody hits my car

I can't see anything around me

I've been spiritually freed from this old crusty town

Man – God's most beloved creation

God – Man's most beloved creation

God is no joke

yet God is a very serious game

Beauty is the weapon of principles,

the tool for their manifestation

Man is a changing-chamber, a reflecting-chamber,

makes everything real – changes the meaning of a word

with his sound, voice, makes all real.

epitou

epitou – a word never to be unraveled – that can be unraveled endlessly.

In time – Anna gained time by encoding it, by reaching epitou

It can always be unraveled, in any time, in a way that fits that time

In this time, it can be Esoteric Psychology in Times of Uncertainty

But I came to it backwards

this is also related to time

just as time is related to death

when you're on the fringes of death

you see the glimpse of pure time

its light is infinity

its infiniteness – to see it all at once

Backwards up the staircase to get to the title, which happens spontaneously.

Time perceived “normally” here.

In the beginning a new couple taking a road trip then painfully break up -

they tried to put too much into their time? All that was between them couldn't fit,

and it blew them apart, particularly the man (N) and sent them off – she reached epitou.

Reached Esoteric Psychology in Times of Uncertainty – and folded it back up into epitou – a

word that meant nothing or anything

There is a lot of time pent up in you –

it is bursting to get out, ripping you up –

after the collision time is able to slow down in you a bit – it is a loss of some vibrancy – and gain heart, humanity. Slow down to gain humanity – now you have to play it out (O) – but your eyes are a little opened.

We crossed paths and saw God.

Glimpse God in the game and you still have to keep playing – this is the point of 0 time – year 0

a beautiful game with time we play where time is a ribbon dancing around us, and we have to learn to be its dance partner, to be dancers.

Couple (N) meet again – spends simply a nice time in the park after ~6 months but a thousand years have gone through them [made them old and renewed them] – he cries – their miscommunications have kept them apart and on different times – but through his heart the thousand years go away [vanish like mist].

Как обычные люди проходят жизнь​, со временям — они самые обычные люди

There must be a witness – who follows after her, observing, when she creates epitou. The players don't really know what's going on – but the witness (M) sees, is grazed by the light generated by the burning of time (when she lets go of her love for the man (N) and manifests it as s with epitou, a mystery.

A sad, lonely girl aswim in visions of beauty, coming to understand the nature of color, moving nowhere for a long time

A faint glow in the darkness, but something different.

Another principle (how to dance among Time): let go of hard names, symbols – they will trap you in time – you will not be able to dance then – O understands this already.

There was so much time in him.

And he intuitively knew this principle, of symbols and language, why he played with language so well. He showed her freedom, and the game; he was on drugs from youth because just living was hard.

There are also, in addition to the usual forms, names, and our tendency to stick to them [really it's them sticking to us], many spells everywhere – these spells throw you in and out of the game – we call them traumas [situations, maybe even romances], but they are spells [a veil is draped over your words and it becomes difficult for me to pierce].

N – childhood traumas [or some failure or simply his wizard magnetic nature], threw him out of the dance with time [he made a bargain to win his love, the dancer...], plunged him into a world outside it, behind the glass, and everything he did was a failure for a long time.

From the highest, most symbolic, to the ordinary, they are together for eternity, this plays out through their physical forms which even match (names, appearances)

(swastika drawing on cover because it's a loose representation of that symbol, and in time fascism will rise – it remains a popular hook).

From annihilation, is born (clarity and so on). My heart was pregnant for a while, and now has given birth.

Two constructs that interact, and in which symbols meet, time unravels or stops, and they reach time 0 – see God/meet God in the dark – this serves as an origin point for both

• he, spinning star, is slowed, his heart settling into his grounded body, his eyes opening to Earth – and to live out the rest of his life in color and splendor

• – he sees her loneliness, her sadness, her whole path; she sees him behind his surface, in all his forms. They share a moment out of time in which all levels of reality are aligned like a tunnel.

I must write this book. My heart feels fulfilled. Now I can pack. O wrote a short story recently that was more philosophical and full of life than his usual, but still just as dynamic. This makes me happy, but I must let him go, not cling. I'm not his mother.

I'm not going to be with either of these most beautiful men. I'm going to be alone, writing my book. But N and I will go on a walk one of the weekends I'm up there.

The crux of epitou is that it's ordinary people living ordinary lives, but through them are illustrated these principles, and understanding of time, how it binds us, how it works. The central event is my meeting with O in the nowhere [he swooped in], which happens in the center, but the real source of action in linear time is N's intention and self-sacrifice, which sets off the reaction in Anna (female protagonist).

Many things are explained, such as how truths can never be spoken – a secret language, code, is needed, which s invents for herself.

There must also be a sense of relaxation in the book, which is how one moves with time, dances with time – accepting walking in pain, going nowhere – the sublime, symbolic, falling perfectly through the ordinary.

O is in the center of my heart, always with me, and all he does brings me great happiness. We have never met. By living, we may one day meet (this should be in the book).

Time expands, grows.

Time is sneaky because we use time to buy more time.

Only by slowing down time enough can one see this. One can see this by stepping out of the game, into isolation, as N did.

Yesterday I also connected to N's heart again, by listening to Печаль – felt his soft and sensitive heart, his loosening up and starting to live again.

November 26, 2023

I feel crazy, for doing all I do, as I do.

I hate to cling to O and want to let him go – maybe he doesn't want to talk to me at all now, or doesn't want my presence.

And tomorrow I begin a new life. I felt this most imminently yesterday, being at the start of a great stream. Today I feel normal, and it begins. Moving out of my apartment, driving up north, then training.

It is funny that our collision happened right before new eras for us both.