January 22, 2024 - the up and down

January 22, 2024

Reality is a puzzle that can fit together from any number of pieces. You have 4 pieces? That's a whole. You have 400? A whole. 4000000? You can collect forever.

I let N go, spiritually this time. He showed me what he could. Now we are spiritually unlinked, I feel, and freer – at least, he's free from me.

I think this, deliberately, and once I do I “realize” it's true.

~

Thoughts on ALCHEMY/the occult/hermeticism

• inherently elitist

• is the founding, secret principle, as applied to earth and humans, that of forward and backward? That is, moving up and down? That is, it's pyramidal. Duh. Its motion is pyramidal: to transform a little bit (the few, the elite) into gold, the masses must be transformed into dirt.

• 3^rd Law of thermodynamics: equal but opposite action

(more and more I think the only thing we really can say for sure exists is the human psyche).

This thought, this pyramidal foundational belief, is a perversion of God's law of Creation, as M.H. points out in the beginning: a foundational belief of transformation, transforming base man into God – ignores the fact that God's law, all laws of creation, flow through ordinary man – and men can't keep this power, contain it. All power is borrowed. “Alchemists” attempt to keep it, freeze it.

They attempt to freeze it through time.

I think the whole thing might be the result of someone being tripped up by Time – the whole idea of transformation, that is. God's laws work but not how, or when, we (our egos, our aims) want them to. Humility helps with this.

I think many have become tricked by time.

• Is time the secret law, the tricky law? [3/19 Loki is Time, I believe] That if one violates, one loses one's humanity?

Up a higher level, the Laws are Realms – thus, it's more appropriate to say: the laws of time.

I think also it's fundamentally wrong, this idea of magical transformation through secret/hidden laws, because man can only be man. He cannot be God. Nor can he really be animal, or dirt. Therefore alchemy is only brutality, bifurcation, duality [3/19/24 last time I saw N, which might be the last time ever, he said alchemy is just sex. I think he's right. It's all increasingly complicated ways of leading to the usage of the sex energy, largely through deception and the promise of power. It took me some time for this realization to settle.]. The brutality is inseparable from the holiness, the “mysticism” [actually the mysticism is the gap between these two, their separation and the “epiphany” so many have of the “sacred and profane” being one – this is the foundation of duality, of alchemy, our main trap, our one lie]. If you go one way (high), you must go the other way (low).

This explains to me the imagery of the church (esp Catholic) – the virgin/whore, the juxtaposition of divinity and gore, of the holy and the grotesque [and how satisfying this all is – because it seemingly unifies our broken memory].

(They cannot be reunified, the light and dark, the divine and grotesque, once they have been separated. The separation is a perversion. It is the reason for evil. Why did Lucifer let in evil? Why did God allow this? I think William Blake may be showing that they cannot be reunified.... There is only realizing this duality is not the truth).

Jesus did not teach this.

It is the result of infiltration by this law, this created duality – this law of duality created and attached for the psyche.

The psyche, then, is pure. For a second I understood what the psyche is. It is the realm. It is the shimmering reality-field. (not the context field, which is the fake structure placed atop the psyche).

And it loves – we can always fall into it – it is our home, to be caught by. It contains memory. Its law is love. That is why the law of the absolute, of God, is love. Only we've forgotten. We've been made to forget.

-

Follow a daisy chain of thought far enough and you will eventually get to the wall that the concept of infinity rests upon.

Infinity hides a ceiling

to reach the root of infinity ← repeat this phrase in a song

-

These “hidden” laws were hidden on purpose. They aren't really mystical. A further aspect of bifurcation. To hide, one must cleave. One must, apparently, appear to, cleave Reality. Then that is the first step to forgetting. That is the first forgetting.

But these laws aren't hidden at all. They're the laws (lower laws) of creation that can be seen in everyday life. “Hidden” is also a concept stitched onto the psyche. The psyche has been bound by laws. In constant pain, it forgets itself.

That we hate ourselves is one of the most pernicious lies of all. That we have to undo this self-hatred, self-loathing that comes from within us. It's so horrifically sad. All of them do not address this simple and unignorable fact that our psyche, the psyche, has been bound externally, is in a shibari snare.

• Once again they direct us inward, and even have a term for not doing something bad: victim blaming.

That's why all these false religions are bullshit! They don't address, they're blind to, the fact that we're bound! Instead, of course, they invent false limiting thoughts such as self-hatred [which is really just a cover for fully justified pain].

(hence, maybe, the popularity of shibari among the most sensitive types, the “BPD” girls; to understand anything of what's going on with us, you have to use dream logic [3/19/24 I disagree now; you must resist being sucked in; you must keep taking in impressions from the outside, not ignoring the world, and learn to filter them]. Shibari binding, mimics physically what's done to us at the level of background, and that must be why to very sensitive types.

Dream logic is just an intermediate stage, way, of thinking from our presently dulled one.

Our present dullness, our forgetting, bound as we are in concepts, beginning with duality.

(The astral realm doesn't exist.

No “realms” exist. Only the psyche and its binds exist.)

(I listen to the music of Schubert and have this epiphany – No.4 in A flat major, 4 impromptus. I think his music is about the binds of the psyche and he traced a line to get there, to that wall. And was killed at 31, I'm speculating).

~

The only thing that exists is the psyche, it is God, and all else is conceptual labyrinths, conceptual labyrinths all the way down.

~

I understand the origin of magic: How it must have been to discover that one could cleave reality. From where does this duality come from? Why could I do this, create this something, this concept, out of nothing?

Lucifer knocks and knocks on God's door with the question and he won't answer. He won't explain why duality exists.

Why could he do this? And just like that, he invented magic. And this gave him infinite power. He is the false son.

“You are no son of mine.”

(All modern manifestations can be traced as echoes of this, of “God rejecting him” (in his words) – God ghosted him).

(There is no genius, either).

And so he created the void, out of nowhere. Lucifer thought he created. He was nearest to God. “Bringer of Light” - splitting into light and darkness. And after the void had been there a while (the great silence) [a long time of not speaking between the first son and the father – what became known in their family as the great silence. “I thought he would never cross the void”.] they created infinity.

This is why they love silence and it's their credo. I think the feeling of mysticism is the futile attempt to reunify the light and the dark, duality, and that's why, in the end, it's always empty.

-

Our most ordinary actions and relationships reflect these cosmic psychodramas.

-

It's all backwards. It's a lie to say man can go from base to divine, a predatory lie that necessitates predation upon man's soul for the sake of a few – it starts from the top and goes down – man at the top, degraded. The whole lying conceptualization invented by the IH to keep man from realizing his psyche has been put into chains and he made unaware, forgetful; only, he feels the sadness of his lost soul, useless life.

-

The Magician in the tarot is this precisely. He is Lucifer. Online you'll find the Magician associated with many gods of the past – those are all dead gods. Dead names. [“they deadnamed me” he says in his interview. Everything is done through screens. Only real life, real man, is not in a screen.... but he is he is being watched on theater. The father, the second son, their dance, the trinity.... is is all theater watched by the shadows, and “Lucifer” illuminates the set (for he is an actor, a real person).

I even read an article online that validates this realization – Lucifer is the bridge between Hermeticism and tarot.

~

Going up, then going down

Going up is starting from where we are in the matrix, seeing the shadows, the invisible hand, learning about those who run the world, seeing the conceptual labyrinth and its root in hermeticism, then getting to the root of hermeticism in the creation of duality, the first concept [it's actually the second; first concept is ego; but it is the first concept of society], and the mystery of how this could happen, of the nature of the Magician tarot card.

Going down is this psychodrama of God/Lucifer/Christ being reenacted through humanity[, humanity processing God's laws but being stymied by the pyramid, which holds all in the symbolic realm and prevents it from getting to the ground where it cannot be reverse-engineered].

Even those who also use us reenact the cosmic psychodrama because they reenact the inevitability of Lucifer/Satan – they are under him/he is underneath his misunderstanding with God. But it cannot be seen naked; it is instead seen through an ordinary human interaction (jumps from the peak of the Magician/duality to dynamics of an ordinary family that are recreating the great cosmic secrets, psychodramas:

A man has a son and allows him to betray him, go against him – how could he allow him to do this?

The son bangs on the father's door ← “You're no son of mine”

“How could you allow this!?”

20 years later father has another son with a different woman (Christ) who loves his father and represents him. The unholy trinity:

To please his father, Christ “transforms” Lucifer into the prodigal son as he and his dad talk about his brother, cast away, returning.

(“The son of Man?” they gasp. “Doing this magic? These miracles?”)

Thus, Christ has “transformed” his brother (Lucifer) into the Prodigal Son,which really means that the third is the Holy Ghost (I don't want to say the infinite one, the man with 1000 faces)/ He can “transform” him into anything because he is filled with the Holy Ghost [a magic more powerful than his older brother's, who is, in the world, a great magician]. Now he has completed the holy trinity. 

(The bridge of transformation between them is the Holy Ghost).

This also shows that despite our psychic binds man is ultimately free.

But how can this be? How can Christ have the transformative power and not go against God, when that power was his brother's birthright, and also what got him expelled from their father's home? When the why of that power was never understood?

Yet it is successful, Christ is successful. Because he instates the holy trinity – God's Law of Three.

This is also the Book of Genesis – brothers are Christ (shepherd) (who is killed) and Lucifer/prince of the world (farmer = civilization) – hence it's called Genesis. → 0 time. Origin point.

Because of the Law of Three, man is saved – God is able to flow through man [man dances in the trinity, with Christ and God]. The son dances gaily with people while his father plays music. He touches them → he heals them.

The prodigal son/Cain/Lucifer returns, beautiful as ever, looks upon his even more beautiful younger brother. He is about to kill him, validate Christ's victory/prophecy.

The audience, the invisible hand men watching cannot watch the victory of Christ, or cannot watch the erasure of their own magic, they cannot watch God answer the door. The brother comes home, sees his younger brother in the window, we all know is about to kill him (or maybe he is now a “mass shooter/lone nut”, it's hinted at. The father is about to answer him and say welcome home.

Brother: “I have only one question.”

The audience at this point stops the drama and 1) starts brutalizing the characters (normal people who are illustrating God's laws just by living). Then they, in the darkness, look at each other.

Or 2) they players shoot them.

3. The players and audience shoot the viewer

4. movie just stops

5. play it out as intended (no shock)

6. [Lucifer shines a light on the shadow audience and set reveals that they are on set, being watched by shadows. Maybe he fumbles and makes it look like an accident. Maybe he goes off script and turns it into comedy.]

~

When brother first leaves father, he goes out into the world, and dons the infinity crown, symbolizing he's become the Magician and cult leader. People start calling him names – Thoth, Isis, Hermes, etc – he just laughs at these dead representations. “Don't deadname me,” he quipped.

The younger brother laments that his older brother has lost all his wealth, but he is referring to spiritual wealth (which is really what the prodigal son loses) – this is shown by some token or other that the older brother has, after becoming a spiritual guru broadcast on TV/tiktok/whatever. He talks about his spiritual journey, how he was kicked out, had an abusive father, has found solace in the great silence and teaches self-love [as a counter to self-loathing; but in this way of course he glamorizes self-loathing and makes it emo and sexy, just like the apocalyse]. “We're sad because deep down we don't love/hate ourselves.” His system teaches people to love themselves again.

Of course, the truth is that people do love themselves [as his younger brother shows], they do not need to fight against self-loathing, they need to realize, see, their magical conceptual cage. They are sad because they are bound from the outside. And they do love themselves. [they are fine with themselves].

“Are you religious?”

“Yes,” he said firmly.

“Buddhism?”

“I'm an amalgamation of things. I prefer to make my own system. At the end of the day I'd say I'm agnostic.”

“Some people have called you a wizard, or a magician.”

He laughs.

“Well, I do love magic, it's known. Let me show you a trick...”

When pondering why his father wouldn't explain, he says, “It's mystery.” Not it's a mystery. This is the creation of many concepts – mystery, infinity, etc, which are his tools.

“I am a true master, for I make all my tools.”

He's intoxicated by his inexplicable powers of creation, symbolized by infinity and the void. He has people worship the great silence, meditating on it, on the great silence.

The younger brother proves even better than he at transformation and miracle.

Brother 1 was duality.

Brother 2 is trinity.

Man can fill the Holy Ghost. Can be filled with the Holy Ghost → interested in this translation and maybe what the original text was. Was it Man fills the H.G.?

~

The vision is difficult to articulate but I think I finally got it.

~

Older thoughts:

• N initiated me, perhaps unaware of it himself. He said in his letter he still struggled to understand his own actions

• I have a white streak of hair at my left temple now and I think it makes me look like a witch. I hate it. It's the mark of initiation, in my mind, the mark of my descent. I'm afraid N is afraid of me. He is pure. He is not vainglorious. The streak is also incredibly identifying.

• There is no love in my eyes. Only love of power. Only love of realization, epiphany. Which is what I pursue all day, going deeper and deeper into myself to reach new epiphanies that get me high.

~

The worst part is that these bonds of the psyche are designed so that if you see them and the “whole cosmic structure” (which is all fake. What is real, then? Where are we? If we take off the blindfold our minds will not be able to comprehend it?), you will quite possibly lose your mind. If what I've seen is real, and what N's seen, and what many other have seen. I want him to know I have seen it.