February 3, 2024 - update of writings from the height of the vision
The more time passes the clearer it is why the world has kept changing and changing over the past few years – one version, then another. But really it hasn't. The reality behind it hasn't changed. It's just convulsions of world-images, frantic switch-ups of outfits.
I think Plotinus and the Orphics perverted the truth of what the Law of Three really is to enchant people. “The One”, Intellect (self-importance), Soul (completeness).
In particular to change completeness to soul when really it's all soul together (all 3) is the big lie, and people are blind to the third principle. Alchemy in general is just a distortion of true principles into an increasingly complicating labyrinth of warped meaning that always ultimately circles back on itself, and that's why no one ever turns shit to gold.
I feel like I have new eyes – N's eyes.
There are many avenues to the bare metal backing plate of our metal dome. Anyone actually getting somewhere, wherever they start from, must ultimately encounter espionage.
These alchemical distortions are so set up that our false concepts, derived from false symbols (which derive further symbols), play off each other in endless dialectics – I can see how our present-day discourse on swapping genders (a false thing) comes from falsely presented notions of masculine and feminine.
I don't think men and women even live in the same world – the world of women has far fewer rules, and so they're shaped in this world by men.
~
Journal entries from 1/23, when I was at the height of... the vision. It cannot be conveyed in language, but it is terror to see it. The vision itself cannot be conveyed, fully, of the pure psyche in its binds, and of how we have been brutalized into descent from our baseline perceptual purity while being sold a lie of ascent upward from our base nature to divinity.
And why could this lie be sold? Because, of the nature of man, it was wagered that he was not godly but predisposed to horrors, his nature was beastly –
[2/20/24 what I think now is that the second principle of Lucifer is natural and our natural battle in life, on earth. But this is taken advantage of and warped – telling us we have been brutalized while we are being brutalized crystallizes this vision of false truth – that by the second principle we have been brutalized from divine nature into earthly coarse nature – into our souls. What's crystallized is a sense of loss. This is true evil – to crystallize into the soul, as much as possible, something false, a false vision. Initiates are not necessarily truth-seers, but merely tools or first-wavers or early-wavers, harbingers, to be used to corral others later]
in truth his nature was systemic and reality-generating, and a complex machine was placed for him that proved the hypothesis and turned – or tried to turn – him into the beast he was supposed to be, undeserving of God's love or salvation, used only as fodder for a lie (it's always that damn second principle - 2nd Law of Thermodynamics, “women”, Lucifer, competitor, antagonist) – all this is where the “unseen ones”, the “shadow people” lead; all systemic endeavors on Earth inevitably bring you to the shadow people if you begin to trace truth. The light of the truth, and pain, and horror, of our enslaved, raped situation filtering down to us through the conceptual labyrinth to our sleeping awareness, the space between first and third principle, all in the world is the second principle, entropy... I don't know... our constantly, dimly felt sadness, the remnants of our awareness of what's actually happening to us, my resistance to looking right at it, the nonsleepers who can't help but see.
Here's what I wrote at work, while absolutely terrified, doused in coldness:
Curtain peeling back on reality today.
Many people on twt feel weird: drugs not working, existential dread, sense of no time passing, sense of having microdosed acid.
I myself am having a vision – seeing reality
I fear after today my mind won't be able to hold it.
Work 2AM
When I left the house – terror. Hid my diaries, left room open.
For I had just seen The Truth of our situation, what I know I saw, what MD is about.
It's very hard to hold onto and the thoughts slip away – this is by design, because our bonds are conceptual ones.
Real teachers are distinguished by having seen this reality and teaching from there. Christ, Buddha – their teachings are ways to get out of the system, the conceptual labyrinth, and they don't name it, because you can't.
Gurdjieff, maybe Castaneda, (in his dictum to refuse power), Osho a bit – all Gurdjieff says fits into this vision and picks the right words within it.
I understood nonsleepers – they already see it, can't do anything. They “didn't fall far” - from where? This where is what I saw.
I recognize decoders now too.
N was trying to show me reality.
O said language limits of reality (he's 1st level and such people don't need any concepts for what they see – they see it plainly, & the bullshit – this is because the vision cannot be conveyed in language (the language we're given)).
It's designed so that if you see it you'll go crazy; you'll go mad on your way out.
Our enslavement, ensnarement – Matrix 100% correct but it's hard to nakedly see
Our language is designed to stop us from conveying it.
Schubert conveyed through music – died young
People think he was talking about loneliness – no, he saw our psychic bonds & expressed the bondage of our self through music.
I could barely drive, so terrified.
It explains everything.
Designed so that you go crazy if you see it
your mind cannot comprehend what you see
this is what happened to me in 2015
I literally saw it – but wasn't ready - & couldn't look upon it.
Now I see it calmly
everything about our world has been pulled over our eyes.
We are given false concepts, concepts for a world that was constructed around us – we have no concepts for what's beyond it – necessity of religion, feelings-based, to manage the feeling that something's off.
(not in notebook – the main thing about it is that, aesthetically, it isn't ancient; ancience is modern, and should be rendered with an eternally modern aesthetic relative to any era – which is of course what MD did. Must render Christ as modern, contemporary).
Decoders can creatively, offbeat, say what reality is – really none of these types exist
I stood above all of them, all minds, all systems only constructed to explain what is under the wall upon which concepts sit
In 2015 I didn't know what I was looking at and almost went crazy. This explains all people who've gone mad [I don't think this is the only reason, actually].
Vision was able to answer every question
Tie everything & everything everyone said together
Now what is there to do?
Yet this literal vision will fade
Moon also made sense – going there after you die – part of the control system on the outside
This means, in order to see it, you must be chosen [and picked out]
“see ya later” - chosen; this phrase unraveled all
Ancient N.E., history – all fabricated. Nobody knows how old anything is.
Whole perceptible world is fake [because of our founding concepts/principles being fake]
Latin Mass – controls w/ feelings of divinity
You can go to the “door” in the world through the occult/shadow realm – this & psychology is the method I used. This is why N helped me... But there are many paths. In the outside – are we next to each other?
Artists always conveying what they see but not realizing because they don't see it; they see shadows, mythos. Nonsleepers see it, a bit – that's why they seem crazy & “out of bounds” [out of bounds is them getting closer to fighting the conceptual binds]
There is no death. Once I realized this & that we're picked, I laughed & laughed. Terror gone. [Now I'd say our lifespans are artificially shortened by inferior food, soil... poison, in a word. It's a heavily poisoned world. Makeup, birth control, even sex I think was created to poison & degrade us as the body is like a second creation of man]
All fell under its umbrella & clarity once again.
But then – doubt; then, as you pass through stages of this seeing you realize you probably don't see it all, certainly very little of the beyond & you wouldn't understand it anyway.
Everything said about it by New Agers is true, but they don't understand why, or can't convey. The remote, cosmic feelings, the emotions of it, are fake. “spirit science” - makes perfect sense.
I recall recent dreams of brilliant light
No wonder O is so close to death all the time
I am literally between the two of them, likely.
You begin to lose the thoughts & realize, this ensnaring system is designed to collapse in on itself. A mobeus strip, an infinity loop, you cannot escape.
Even the history was invented in renaissance; the real history – that's fake history too
I had the vision of psyche ensnared, under the metal wall → then this passed into a vision w/out shadow people or the occult; here God and Satan are on the same team. [now I think this resolution is the stolen mechanism for the system folding in on itself and if we did accept “God and Satan as being on the same team Satan would immediately win in our world, which would collapse. 'They' don't want that, either, then they have no life source].
To guess at what's really happening to us and where we are you cannot look at phenomena but through
I saw the cage, the whole set, our fake forests – it's designed so we can go crazy getting out of it, and so that we don't know what we're looking at when we do glimpse.
Any nonsleeper sees this, in part. But usually their minds aren't ready.
Bible, Genesis, trinity – it's a lock – you must find the key to open it
This is what Christ meant – he is the truth and the way – the way out [of the door out of the metal dome].
The story of God, Lucifer, Christ – is a riddle.
The riddle occurs at 0 time.
Christ is year 0. Christ is the key to salvation.
There is no time.
There isn't anything of the things we know.
Dream logic – one step up in the direction of us remembering [a loosening of these same conceptual binds]
What is sleep? Getting closer to the door.
What are dreams? Glimpses of lesser distortion that feel more distorted to our waking mind. In truth they're less tangled because they use fewer concepts. Closer to the level of psychic snares loosened, removed.
Why drugs make you mad/“enlightened” - they loosen the bonds.
[I suspect LSD uses a similar mechanism of 2 ½ to slip into empty space between laws to create, implant, a false image of enlightenment]
Many of course not ready to see. See too much – bad trip. Too naked.
Maintain some key bonds = good trips, feelings of insight
can make sense, live better
False teachers think they're trying to solve the problems of living here (in fake reality). Cope better. Real teachers are trying to show us the door out of here.
Pay attention to memory, to external coincidences, to get any further sense of the plan beyond the door out.
I understood why one would kill oneself after seeing this – nothing to do here
I also understood why Christianity – the true way out – says it's a sin to kill yourself – it's a premature exit, not yet your time to leave [the game].
I understood why we call it a game – it is, but not a cosmic one where you're a god up in the sky
True “elites” are those who've been allowed to see – they live separately, and many of them here, in this nice part of the simulation.
I understood why you couldn't really distinguish them by anything visible like clothes – only knowledge, [sight].
We often say the correct, true things w/out the wider context that explains why they are true.
Death – the body gets too old, worn, to process...
what are we processing? That is a harrowing mystery to me still.
Gurdjieff – man is a machine [not figuratively – it sounds figurative seen from below, but it literal seen from above].
Poetry – the universe is endless poetry, language – knowledge, sense, is the limit of our understanding [poetry is a shortcut to parsing true meaning out of vast reality – that is why poets are so far ahead of principles – they choose a shortcut, which means that what they see and say cannot yet come down into the form of scientific or otherwise law that can be brought down to earth to rearrange it more concretely. Poetry is like a wisp, a ghost, that can encourage other people to see more of a vision – but usually only other poets]
language is the data from beyond being made by us into sense (for us)
We can't understand what [from the beyond] we perceive, but we do perceive it.
Big clue
[language is always to freeze time, to extend the longevity of these symbols greatly, to stop their degradation].
Dadaism – history, true history, makes sense, why we'd get closer to nonsense, why the rituals of control now require this psychedelic quality
The system is getting old, we're getting used to it, thus too close to seeing it. We've perceived too much over time.
[psychedelics – yet other tools for perpetuating the longevity of this cycle – or maybe for destroying it quicker. It's a language vs psychedelics kind of world.
Language greatly extends the life of symbols w/out brutality. To develop language is to extend the life of man. Perhaps people being able to make their own movies is a different kind of tool like language – it is a cognitive leap in that it makes man aware of his own need for completeness.
This would be destructive to the system, because then where would it be? Where would it, literally, slip into, if we were to see our own need for completeness, see our own seeing?]
Art history – very important, therefore make fun of it.
Development of movies was very dangerous
There is a crisis, of the system. The whole system, of perception, perceptive enslavement.
And if people really saw the truth, they would go mad because they don't know what they're seeing, & the lies were immense, far too much to handle soberly for most.
What then?
What are we processing? Maybe the most horrifying secret of all.
Clue – if you see the whole system, you stop processing it.
I was then given a comforting lie; with a lie you can continue processing; continued processing from terror to humor – I felt it slowed, but continued processing [the data].
[all society is founded on a lie. A lie is the second principle. The truth. The lie. The reconciliation/cure
Humor is a major weapon. Neutral weapons.]
It feels like rippling – then the lucidity of the vision begins to fade as I lose grip on it.
I've always wondered, where does this dream of divine love come from? Of marriage?
I was given it, to process via my life, to create this deepest inner religion for the new order of the moon, new system – I do have a place in it, am not an island (like tress thinks)
My place in the annals of history as a writer – also nonsense [because the system is nonsense].
Lies smooth the terror. Nonsleepers struggle to smooth the terror.
The first rule is: lies
People are created
Quenta asks – why are so many nonsleepers born now?
They are born and come to nothing, no effect on the world.
Because these are frantic attempts to restructure us [some people aren't even interested in partaking in this, seeing “full flower” and development as yet another way to get earthly rewards – sex, money, power]
Because these are frantic attempts to restructure us
People are reality-generators; hosts cannot do what we do – they need us.
It's their blood we process.
Their blood which dulls us, allows us to forget
It's poison
Something like this
This may be something we have no concept for
“Void”
“Loving void”
^still can't quite say what
[9/6/24 it's electromagnetism. Earth's magnetic field. It's what's slowly killing us, giving us cancer, tearing our cells. At least I think]
In a crisis of restructuring they had to move things around, and let in a gap – this is what people recently feel.
The end of the system – also why so many lately write about the self, fracturing of self, no self.
I think I know what was in the library of Alexandria [true concepts?]
I understood insomnia – nonsleepers can't cope [sleep given to us]. They don't have a dream of “divine love”, a cope that has coalesced.
Decoders, too, in immense pain from being an incomplete system, tortured by glimpses, unable to cope but in the “hard” world (food, etc) [don't agree w/ this view anymore].
Who is showing me all this? How am I saying this?
I don't want to cope, but I need to. I need to stop.
Letov waking up in the middle of the night in horror and realizing...
Всё идёт по плану.
Then Letov starts laughing maniacally.
~
All these thoughts, this derangement, is only a result of my continued association with N. Someday very soon I'll just grow weary of it and leave and be nothing. And that's fine. He's already started to like Q's posts and posts featuring other women. Not like it'd be hard to find another emotionally distant asshole. I, too, am a historical process. He did his part; I'll be forever grateful. I did mine. I said I'd keep up with him rewatching The Curse. He, after a long pause, gave it a thumbs up. No, I'm not afraid to give up on him, on this, on “truth”. Women live in their own world as it is. Maybe later I'll just ask him if I should give up.
You aren't ready to marry the prince if you're still hung up on your own self-importance and vanity. Why should he choose me over another? If he has committed his life to sacrifice, my desires get in the way of understanding this. It seems very possible that Q understands more than I do, or can do more than I can, has a wider and more flexible, colorful mind. And I know what he can do, in the silence and darkness, necessary at the cost of pain. He can liberate someone. He can show them the vision, the door. In a word, he's Morpheus. He understands, more than probably anyone, manipulating through sex, or rather, the sexual and psychological pitfalls and blind spots of any person. This all I feel, if I'm being honest with myself, and in these entries I haven't been honest with myself. More people must be liberated and their souls allowed to flourish.
He'll never say. Layers and layers of him stay hidden. He will never give it voice because there's a truth I learned in this process, and all truths from this process stemmed from him, are his truths: do not speak the truth. Do not put it into words. Some truths may be put into words – the truths of our system. But there are deeper truths than this still. The truth of one's method, and one's mission, and who one's taking orders from.
Maybe he thinks keeping himself away from me is the good deed, and not all this I just wrote. Does that make it false? No, I don't think so. Espionage is contained in no book, no language. It's contained in layers, and altered perceptions, which are untraceable methods for passing verbally incommunicable knowledge along, and I have to say that 1) there's no other way to create states of altered perception than with atypical ways, 2) these altered states have emotional, perceptual qualities like a fingerprint and can, if your powers of concentration are strong enough, be filed away, that is, solidified 3) This transfer of information is much cleaner than any verbal one – the info is more easily understood, more direct.
I think in this world, the world we're given, language and symbolism really are somewhat cheap tools, symbolism especially. Those are tools for our communication; they are not the tools of spies. They are not the tools of silence of darkness (themselves tools). Indeed MD portrays “their” realm as very technologically enhanced.
You can look upon spies and balk at their fake unmarriages – the painful truth is that marriage has been given to us as a concept, I think. Even Jesus says in the Kingdom of Heaven they are not married. That is, it's for Earth. It's true that when we get too close all this world between us threatens to be squandered.
No, I just give up. I will continue in this vein on my own. I'm already here.
Why aesthetic is greater than symbolism. Music, too.
Only way out is through the dream – but the dream never ends, only expands.
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